MMC and now another loss

TW: some description of my previous loss where I mention blood loss but I do not go into detail.

I’m having another miscarriage. I haven’t started bleeding but I know it.

I had a MMC at 11 weeks at the start of April and a very traumatic miscarriage experience (mentally and physically). Took miso and passed our baby girl and then bled for three weeks, had a haemorrhage where I lost SO much blood and fist sized clots, rushed to hospital, made to wait two more weeks to see if the bleeding stopped and then emergency D&C for retained products. I had to take antibiotics because I was very close to infection according to my surgeon.

We have tried again for two cycles (after waiting one) and to my surprise we got pregnant in the second cycle (our first baby took a long time due to MFI issues which we have now resolved naturally). I got a positive test last week at 12dpo and was immediately terrified. My lines over the next few days were dark but not as dark as my first pregnancy. I got betas done yesterday and it’s at 27 at 18dpo. I just want to start bleeding because I know this can’t last. I can’t believe I’m having another loss. This was meant to be my rainbow. Why would this happen? Is my lining f**ked because of my d&c or possible infection? Or is it still too thin?

We have both had extensive fertility workups done, genetic testing, and I had a HSG before I got pregnant the first time. The only thing left is my lower AMH for my age (11 pmol/1.54 ngml). Our first baby had Turner’s syndrome. Are my eggs all duds? I have another specialist appointment next month where I plan to ask this…

It’s so tragic but the only things I have bought for my babies are a jellycat each. I’m lying here next to a scorpion and a sky dragon (rainbow spine IYKYK) and thinking that their owners will never get to cuddle them.

I’m 31 next week and I was hoping I would have a living baby by this time but instead I have one star baby and another on the way up there. This has been the saddest journey of my life and I’m so angry at the world. Over the last 18 months I have just slipped further and further away from society because I can’t deal with the pregnancy announcements and births anymore. I don’t have any friends who have experienced a loss (or been open about it if they have) let alone two. Everyone I know in real life seems to get pregnant and actually get a baby at the end of it! It’s crazy.

I think I will die if I have to do this again. I’m so sorry we are all here and I’m grateful for this community even though I hate it here. Thank you for reading if you made it to the end of this rant ❤️