I want to kill myself for what I did, but I guess I am a coward

Imagine you meet someone who's the exact mold of your dream man, your ideal person and he has the same believe of you as well but you fuck it up because of insecurities, confusion and what not? Right now he is angry, mad, hurt, wants to walk away but I keep him around because deep down he still loves me and I don't know how to fix my fuck up.

Today I tried to take a long scarf, tied it to my neck but couldn't push the chair down because it looked intimidating. The feeling of helplessness kicked in. I went out on road to get myself killed but goddamn all the drivers today had to be smart. Came back home. Can't even cry.

I met the love of my life last year around the end of the may. Something about him triggered me like I know him and i wanna know him more. My friends teased me and I gave in his description and he responded to it. I went all red and embarassed. I wanted to talk to him but I was too scared and insecure. He did the job of reaching out to me. I wanted to be cool which is so not me. In my head I'm an anxious loser who thinks overly about everything. So I try to be someone else. A bit like my bestfriend who had everyone around her desire her, a couple of cool characters from american sitcoms in order to be liked. Threw in lies and what not to look cool. In sitcom they openly talk about personal shit like it means nothing. So I copied that too in order to look open, cool, manic pixie dream girl.

However while trying to be someone else, who's a lot different than me, I got confused. I became a mess. I stopped thinking and confusion kicked in and I didn't even know what I was doing and saying. I blabbered shit which I didn't mean and think of. Honestly lied. He felt terrible about my imaginary experiences I shared. He felt terrible about the things I tried to be cool with. I felt pathetic that I lied to him and not be myself in the first place. Do I come clean after the first fight? Nope. I lied more. I didn't want to lose him. The only man who got me and my weird sense of humour and glint. The man who truly adored me. The man who understood my fears, my hurt. For one year I protected my lies because I didn't want to out myself as a liar. Made myself the victim because What if I lose him?

After one year, seeing how much he is hurting, I try to soften the lie with another lie. He had it enough. I decided to come clean and told him a part of me was a lie. He is hurt, devasted and betrayed. Wants to give up on me but I am a selfish asshole who really does love him. Sure I lied about my past and made myself someone I'm not based on the assumptions who he might like without even knowing him properly. But I also never lied about single thing about my present. Everything about me was out in open and I am the most loyal person one can be. I tried to be the best girlfriend. I tried to be there for him whenever he needed me. Gave him suprises and loads of love and care because I do adore him. I love him so much that I want to protect him from every evil. I want to hurt people who hurt him and take care of him because he has been through a lot and sometimes I am scared for the way I feel protected about him.

I tell him to forgive me and give me a chance but he can't. He is trying because he loves me too but he is having a hard time. He finds out about all my lies and doesn't want to be with me. I ask him to give us one last chance. He says I lack in fundamental issues, that I'm shallow and haven't achieved anything except to run after people who were bad to me. I had nothing to defend myself. How could I say that I didn't work hard on my career because of my failures before and how it paralyzes and scares me because I feel I failed again. That instead of focusing on myself, I made wrong choices in people from past who hurt me and weren't for me. How could I say that I love hard and I'll be a perfect girlfriend. That I won't ever again lie to him no matter what. That I'll never ever ever do anything to hurt him. That if he gives me a chance, I'll work hard on myself. I'll be someone who I can be proud of. How can I tell him to take a leap of faith with me. That I'll never try to be someone else again to win him. That I won't lie and be myself.

Sad part is if we end our relationship, it won't be because of lack of compatibility, or falling out or cheating. We match each other mentally, emotionally and physically. We are great together and we both are like an extension of each other. We feel like we are each other's soulmate. But the only reason it would be is because of the past baggage I have which I can't erase and the lies I told at the start.

i just need one chance in life to prove myself. I know I hurt him badly but I need one chance to love him right. To be honest and to never lie. to never hurt him. I hope some miracle happens and I get my sweet, loving , amazing, perfect boyfriend back. I'll never ever ever do anything to jeopardize our relationship again.