Trying to wake up (frustration)

It honestly feels so frustrating and confusing. I can't stop my thoughts, it's very difficult to slow them down (I have adhd, so maybe that's why). During practice I notice my thoughts, then I immediately start thunking about how I'm not thinking, then I notice that is a thought too, but I immediately create another thought to reflect on it. I just don't know how to stop, it feels imposible, my thoughts are continuous, I can't stop thinking, I can only change the content. At least that's what it feels like.

I noticed that most things I learned about awakening from watching hundreds of videos are useless to me now. It's just another thing to think about and create expectations.

I'm now meditating and doing self enquiry every day. I sort of know what thoughts are standing in a way, usually it's doubts and expectations. When I start feeling funky there is a thought: "What if I awaken right now", it breaks my flow and causes a chain reaction in my mind. It feels like stoping the mind completely is not a goal, but detaching from thoughts somehow. I have no clue how though.

I got to the fear barrier a few times in past. It happened during night. Back then it felt like I'm not the one doing it, but something outside of me is. It happened spontaneously and I backed down.

It feels frustrating to even think about awakening. It's feels like trying to do something impossible, like moving in 4th dimension and everyone acts like it's easy. I just don't understand it, at all.