I need help and clarity please

I posted few posts about this on this sub reddit. I really feel like I am going insane. going from logically seeing the facts and the abuse, to my feelings and missing him. I still doubt I am the monster, I am the abuser, I am the toxic one. It's insane. But I went through the high and lows, hot and cold, praising and devaluing. And among all of that he accused me of doing same thing to him. He accused me of so many things. That I totally lost in one year my capacity to trust my intuition, I gave him all the power and authority over my and my mind. basically everytime I would doubt something about him he would sense it and defend himself or tell me how can I think like this about him. that's just a small part of what I have been through.

I doubt myself constantly, everyday I try to stand on my truth but this little voice comes back to my head and tells me what he thinks about me and that he is right.

But since I discovered two months ago that he cheated since the beginning, that's when all my image of him got crushed and I started to doubt him. of course he obviously sensed that and in the beginning he chased and begged me. but when I gave in, he slowly started to put the focus and blame back to me, pointing out my "mistakes", which was always emotionally draining him, calling me emotionally violent and using him. makes me feel crazy. I am honestly right now on the edge of breaking down, my integrity as a human has been totally crushed, my perception too, my trust in myself too. and yet I still feel like the abuser or thinking "what if I manipulate others around me to believe I am the victim and he is the abuser when it's the contrary". it really goes to that extent the internalized gaslighting. please someone help me to get out of my own thoughts.

then I went back to my country and we were long distance in June, yes because I stayed even after that (shouldn't have), and then because I mentioned what he did again, we argued and he ended up saying that he cannot have any conversation with me, that he gives up, that I am just the problem basically. (he hated when I would sent too many anxious messages or just over text). so he ended the relationship beginning of July and since then wanted to stay in touch, but yesterday we argued because he started to blame me again and say how much he suffered since the beginning, that I ruined his life, that I am emotionally abusive and violent, and I snapped out, and told him everything I truly thought of him, I was really angry. of course he got angry and defensive and said that I was making up conspiracy theories, that I was paranoid (I finally begged to please stop messing up with my head, that his ex gf was crazy, the girl he cheated with too, and now I am the next). everytime he denies, invalidates my perception and feelings. for one year I have been through that. but back then I couldn't point out what was wrong, this confusion I felt. yet he tells me exactly same, that he always felt so confused, but for him everything is my fault almost, because of my "separation anxiety", he loves to use this term and say all the problems were from that, he even shared a chat gpt text validating him and how he suffered from my separation anxiety.

but he doesn't see that he triggered me to act like this and have this unstable anxious behavior as time went by. because of inconsistency. praising, devaluing. pointing out small things I did wrong. turning everything around. weaponizing my trauma and past against me. so if I am hurt or angry it's because of that and not because of him.

it's many small things like that, and yesterday after I got angry too, he just said to never text again and never contact him again. but now I am panicking because I feel the trauma bond, I feel insane, I feel psychotic, I don't recognize myself, and I feel like it all just proves he is right about me. but I was not like before him. I never lost my sanity so much. I was 18 and he was 33. now I am 20. feeling like it's the end of the world and I am doomed. please help me.