actively or passively suicidal? not sure, but resigned to die regardless.

cw: discussions of eating disorder & substance abuse

(26F) diagnosed with depression at the ripe old age of 14 and have struggled with it since. as if that wasn't enough, i got sprinkled with a violent eating disorder that has controlled my life on and off for the past 8 or so years. at 26 i weigh less than i did at 18 and im going to continue losing until i can't anymore. i used to actively cut back in middle and high school, but i now have a FT in-office corporate job 4/5 business days of the week, so i have to be discreet unlike my last place of employment where both coworkers and boss staged mini interventions because of how awful i was spiraling mentally and physically. oh almost forgot another diagnosis--insomnia!! naturally.

despite religiously taking my anti depressants and making a genuine effort to live a life i enjoy, i dread waking up and existing in a body with consciousness everyday. some days, the voice in my head feels like it's just shrieking "i want to die, i /need/ to die, someone kill me or ill do it myself" etc, but even when the voice isn't as loud and in my face, there's this quiet resolution that i have made this miserable bed for myself and i will die in it.

i can truly say i only stay alive for other people. my mom (despite being a driving force behind my depression), my dear big sister who i know would always blame herself if i really did do it. my cousins too. no dad in the picture so i can count on one hand the number of people i force myself to stay alive for. living for others is /exhausting/. every day just feels like putting the mask back on and pretending to be a functional adult long enough to make it through the work day so i can go home and abuse substances to muffle the suicidal thoughts just enough to breathe.

i'm not sure if this is being actively or passively suicidal. i will say i have set up my life, circumstances and finances in a solid place so that when i do die i wont be a burden on my family from the afterlife. i have at least 3 people who promised they would take in my cat. i paid all of my $20k+ student loans out in one lump sum payment a few months ago once i realized that money was sitting in a savings account i had no plans to live long enough to deplete.

even though i don't cut anymore, i still regularly self harm. it takes quite a bit for me to bruise and since i work in an office and its summertime, i essentially beat the shit out of myself in places others won't see--punching my thighs until they're black and purple, my biceps, stomach, stomping on my own foot etc. i feel nothing while doing this, not regret, not shame, not sadness--just this never fading emptiness. cumulatively i've probably gotten 4-5 total hours of sleep since sunday. my mother thinks people who commit suicide are selfish and i can't take her resenting me even in death as she does secretly in life. i'm just stuck in this hellish loop of existing--not living, not dying, but just repeating the same life every day.

i don't see myself chugging along like this to make it to 27. why put lipstick on a dying pig?