Struggling with work

Hey guys! 32yo female only just diagnosed with ADHD and suspected Autism (in the process of being assessed). Like many of us I spent my whole life feeling different but just thinking I was predisposed to worse MH issues than others, and honestly just thought I had no resilience/kinda still do think this.

As my parents have always said I’m amazing at anything I do I just can’t apply myself. Or so that’s how it seems from the outside, now I’m starting to understand it better but it doesn’t take away the guilt and shame.

I have worked as a barber for the last 7 years and this job has been amazing. It’s the only thing I’ve done for this length of time but I’m increasingly hating it more and more for how much it drains me. I don’t mean to toot my own horn but I’ve always had very loyal clients, fully booked + more, and I’ve absolutely perfected my social skills through masking my whole life therefore I connect deeply with my clients and feel a lot of responsibility to show up for them. But in turn my body has never been able to cope in this job. Every day I need time to recoup after work, the post social anxiety is so strong I have to manage that with all my effort. And I’ve gone through multiple severe periods of burnout, right now being one of the less severe but still enough to cause me existential dread.

I just feel like I can’t do this job much longer, I’ve already cut back to part time so made a massive financial leap in order to take care of myself and my body. But I’m 32 and I thought my life would be very different by now. One of my special interest is making stain glass so I’ve been doing more of that to fill my cup and selling pieces to cover the cost, but as I’ve taken more of that on, I’ve found it’s become more stressful, as everything does in life, and it makes me lose interest. I honestly don’t know what to do. I dream of a work from home job where I don’t have to mask and can work at my own pace but I don’t even know where I’d start and I don’t think those flexible jobs really exist anymore, at least not for someone like me with no experience and can only work limited hours. I feel like a failure and that I’m never going to be able to earn enough money to have secure housing or to feel like I’m worthy and contributing to society. And the worse part is even though my clients are so understanding, every time I take a day off I have to cancel 16+ clients apts and I spend the whole day thinking about how I’m letting everyone down. The nature of burnout too has me gaslighting myself saying I’m not sick I don’t deserve this rest. It’s such a vicious cycle

I don’t know if anyone can interpret where I’m going with this post, I guess I just needed to vent to a group of people I know understand. To know I’m not alone helps.