vent- I despise what abuse has done to me and my brain.

I’m(F19) a repeat sa and abuse survivor. First my father (verbal and physical, which I’m still living with them- yippee.) then I was groomed online into sending and distributing nudes, self harm, and dating a 22 year old at 11. It went from 10-13. He was one of those group 764, I believe. Then my first boyfriend SA’d me multiple times and verbally abused me under the excuse of his bipolar 2. Some toxic relationships later, I had medical abuse in psychiatric inpatient care.

Im surprised I’m even alive. I’m surprised I’m still even okay with being around men after everything. I’m surprised that no attempt on my life have worked. I’m surprised I’m still so religious too. God really seems to want me here.

It’s left my brain absolutely destroyed. I had to get a BPD diagnosis at 16 due to how life threatening my behaviors were to myself and others, as well as I’m on the record of having most symptoms of Schizo-effective disorder, without a on paper diagnosis, mostly cus if I did my insurance wouldn’t cover my treatment, so we’re trying to treat the symptoms under a “generalized mood disorder”or something. I also, just cus god decided to screw me over, had autism all my life and developed Tourette’s in 7th grade!!!

I haven’t been in treatment since 17 though, my parents took me out of it and I haven’t seen a psychiatrist since it was declared that I seemed to have schizo-effective symptoms. It’s gotten worse since.

You couldn’t make this stuff up if you tried. I feel like a wattpad character.

I hate it tho. I can barely sleep at night, I ruin every relationship I stumble into, i can barely keep friendships. Because of being raped by my ex, I ended up starting to daydream about almost revenge raping him. I have fantasies of torturing people who hurt me. My sense of empathy is so fucked I don’t even know how it works it’s so inconsistent. I still have empathy for people who hurt me but this one kid who was in my marching band id rather see get curb stomped cus he’s so awful at playing and marching and thinks he was so good.

On this past thanksgiving, I ended up stripping for my boyfriend at the time, wanting some love or a compliment. I wasn’t thinking straight but that’s no excuse. I unwillingly showed him my chest cus I thought that’s what loves meant to be. Didn’t help that he’s also an sa victim from women. I don’t blame him for going around telling everyone I’m sick and psychotic and a schizo after we broke up. I don’t blame him for becoming friends with my rapist after he left me. Only those two knew how traumatic It is to date something like me.

I’m sick. I am fucking sick and disgusting. I shouldn’t get to call myself a human being.

Digital footprint this and that I don’t care. I need to just scream.

I’ve given up trying to kill myself. It hasn’t worked and it probably won’t. god wants me on this earth just to keep torturing me. I can’t leave my house yet, but damn if I’m not gonna try to soon.