My mother expects more than I’m willing to give

I (22F) have a very strained relationship with my mother. We both refuse to back down - each of us thinks the other is in the wrong. I’m aware we both have faults, but my mother seems to believe I should be the only one to yield. Well that’s not happening. I’m okay with respectful communication, but I refuse to soften up just to please her.

Currently our relationship is at a standstill. I don’t talk to my family about my life - not out of spite, but because I simply don’t care for them. We’re very distant. My mother insists that I should report what I do every day, be affectionate, show concern for the elders, and share everything. But every time she talks to me, it’s something off-putting - either bragging about how thoughtful other people's children are or trying to guilt-trip me with talk about money. I see no point in having these kinds of conversations.

Here are three examples of our exchanges. Translating is so hard, I didn’t manage to capture the tone at all so I put the original Chinese underneath. Yes we’re Chinese, it’s probably stereotypically Asian to have problems like this, but I’m just tired and want a second opinion. I don’t even know if I’m over reacting. I just want to stop ending up in tears every time my mom sends me a message telling me how to be a good daughter.

1. Mom: Hou Yue (one of my cousins) took his mom to Beijing — booked a trip to the library and the Forbidden City. He stayed two extra weeks and used the ¥10,000 he earned to take his family out. I’m not saying you have to spend money on us, but even a little bit of money from you would show that you’ve started working and you know to repay your family. I don’t even ask how much you earn. We don’t expect you to earn a lot. You never say anything to us.

我妈：人家侯越领上他妈去北京玩，还预约了图书馆，故宫。人家孩子晚回来两周，挣了1万块就想着带家人出去玩呢。咱不是说想花你的钱，但凡你给家人发了小红包了，也是代表你挣钱了知道回报家人了。也没敢问你挣多钱，也不指望你挣多钱，一个星期哪怕是主动吱一声。

2. Mom: Everyone has their duties. As a mother, I do my part. As a daughter, you also have yours - like calling your grandparents every week, checking on the family. Even if there’s nothing much to say, talk about the weather - cold or hot lately. That’s more than you’d say to a stranger, right? I do my part, and what about you? You never listen to anything I teach you.

我妈：各人要尽各人的义务呢。 做母亲，我要尽我的义务，做女儿，也要尽我自己的义务，每周也要打电话给姥姥姥爷问一下家里的情况。没什么说的，就说说天气呗，这两天冷了热了的。总比陌生人有聊天的素材吧。这是我应尽的义务。你呢，你是怎么做人家女儿的，教你从来都不听。

3. Mom: Are you busy?

Me: What is it

Mom: I asked if you’re busy. Answer in a statement, not a question. Let’s try again: Are you busy?

Mom: Busy, or not busy, ok?

我妈：忙不忙？

我：什么事

我妈：我问你什么 就回答什么 要用陈述句 不要反问句。再来一次 忙不忙？

我妈：忙 或者不忙 ok?

 

My questions are:

1. Is this kind of mother-daughter dynamic common?

2. How can I maintain minimal contact without feeling guilty or escalating the conflict?

3. Are there better ways to set boundaries without looking like I’m “giving in”?

Any advice or similar experiences would be appreciated. I don’t want to play a role I don’t believe in, but I also don’t want endless deadlock. Just to be clear I don’t want to cut ties with my family entirely.