i hate myself

sorry this is a messy post bc im spiraling bad

long story short my parents kinda hate my bf and we're going through drama rn and my bf was feeling really bad about it today but then later i started feeling bad and just being sad and crying a bunch bc he was kind of getting upset w me over stuff and then when i had to go home he didn't say i love u even tho we always say i love u and i always say it even if theres tension but i was thrown off by him not saying it and apparently he didn't say it bc he was feeling bad but i just got super stuck on him not saying it but he apologized for everything from today but it didn't really make me feel better then we said goodnight and called to go to sleep but i was still feeling bad and felt like i couldn't sleep bc of it and so i messaged him saying i still felt hurt by it and he got mad and said i hate him and to break up with him and he hung up the phone and was going off on me saying im just like my parents and im too harsh with him and i just want to start shit and i ruined everything and then he started spam calling me to get mad at me and so i kept rejecting his called an dhe was saying "fucking answer" and i was apologizing a bunch and he was saying hes gonna kill himself and i dont care about him and then eventually he apologized but then he started getting mad again and saying all i do is wanna focus on his mistakes and i try to make him feel bad when he's already feeling bad

so rn i just feel so awful i just wanted more reassurance but he says he reassures me a lot already and im messed up for texting about him not saying he loves me when we said bye in person he said he loves me back when i said it to him and he said it a lot over text after but i still felt bad and i still feel bad now and actually wayyy worse and i just want to die idk what to do i hate myself so much and all the stuff he said when he got mad made me feel so awful i dont know how to recover