Ullr and Artemis - Arctic Rangers [7]
Thank you to u/SpacePaladin15 for the universe and thanks to the other fanfic writers for giving me the inspiration for this little masterpiece of nonsense I have cooked up. And a big thank you to u/Mysteriou85 for the Artaya goober!
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For the April Fool’s Invasion, Ullr and Artaya have had some fun with The Preying Arcane and Tender Observations in 1, 2, and maybe a third part soon!
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I also now have a master post on my profile for all four of my current series. Go and take a look!
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Intro: Ullr and Artaya have been skiing the untouched slopes in the valley of Sister’s Refuge, but it’s probably high time they think about relocating. After all, they are supposed to investigate the entire planet (somehow) and can’t do that being ski bums every day.
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Memory Transcription Subject: Ullr Hoback, Human KC Military Captain
Date: [Standardized Human Time] June 17, 2160
I slowly stir awake to a familiar weight on my back, but unlike most mornings, I know for a fact that I do not possess the strength to remove it from me, even if I wanted to. Her mass is like a hydraulic press confining me to my bunk. I let a ragged sigh go and curse under my breath. My back is in shambles, and the heavy lady currently resting on top of it carries much of the blame. Although I am definitely not innocent, as I was the one to suggest the physical activity in the first place.
My body is broken. I should have known that being an old fuck would eventually catch up to me. Fuck skiing. This sucks ass.
I give my best effort to stretch my legs, and immediately my back attempts to seize and fight against me. I let out a stifled cry as I raise my hand to the small of my back only to swat Artaya right in the face. My hand is quickly met by the sharp points of fangs as she nearly puts piercing pressure into my exposed palm. She tries to speak at me through garbled words while my hand remains perilously at her mercy.
“Uwllrh, ahm gohna gib oou wun hanse tuh eshpain wuhy oou jous swapp’d meh. Bwe vwery kerful wid yur wherds.”
Should I be careful? Is sweet death the worst option here? I’ll be confined to this bed for the rest of my life otherwise. Also, that voice is hilarious.
I turn my head and face towards Artaya, who is staring me down with murderous purple eyes.
“Okay, so you know how I’m old?”
Her ears flop backwards, and she releases my hand from her mouth as she tilts her head to the side.
“Old? Aren’t you younger than me?”
Ah, hell, bad start, but the hand is free. Push on.
“Oof, anyway, this whole skiing thing we’ve been doing for the past few days? Yeah, that’s a young person’s sport. My old and cold ass is not feeling it today. I don’t know if I’ll be able to get out of bed, let alone back on the snowmobile.”
“Oh… are you really that hurt? I-is it because you were carrying me?”
I slam my head into my pillow and take a deep breath as my unending stupidity dawns on me.
Sonnuva fuckin’ bitch. That right there is why she prefaced it with choosing my words carefully. Okay, turn back and give it a take two.
“No, that’s not it at all. While it didn’t help, skiing is for people in a lot better shape than myself, especially if you’re doing it all day for three days in a row.”
“Interrogation passed, Ullr, but this brings up a different topic; I guess we’re not skiing today?”
“Not a chance in hell.”
“Well, what do we do then?”
“What do you mean, ‘what do we do?’ You’re the commanding officer here!”
Her head sinks down onto my back, and she closes her eyes for a moment in thought before she suddenly jumps off of me and onto the floor of the camper. I twist my aching back and sit up at a rapid snail’s pace to turn and face the now tippytoe-dancing officer fox on the floor.
“We can go patrol the closest city to here! It’s a very intriguing case of Jaslip ice belt civic design.”
“That was, uh, Brother’s Gate, right?”
“Oh, you remembered! Do you think you know how to get back on that highway?”
“Sure, sure, but do you think we could get ready for the day first? I’ll repeat that I’m not exactly feeling as energetic as you today.”
“That’s nothing that a little breakfast can’t fix! Come on, let’s move!”
Dammit, calm down. I’m going to collapse if I move much faster.
As Artaya darts towards the dinette and takes her place on her side of the table, I slowly swing my legs to the floor and reach into the washer-dryer combo to switch from my night clothes to my day set of underlayers. I pretend not to notice Artaya’s gaze as I dress, but I quickly ready myself and shuffle over to the kitchen to start my cup of coffee. As the life-saving liquid brews, I reach into cold storage and bring out a slab of actual pork bacon fit for the finest greasy breakfast.
I sip on my coffee as the griddle makes quick work of the bacon strips, which are soon plated next to Artaya’s slightly warmed raw strips. I place the tray in the center of the table and take my seat across from her. She readily gobbles up her portion of the meal as I take my time slowly crunching on the greasy goodness.
“Ullr, this is the best bacon you’ve made so far. It’s perfect.”
“Well, of course you like it; all foxes love bacon.”
“Don’t call me a fox, you obor.”
“That’s why I call you a fox; I’m not going to claim to be all that different than one of those things. Hell, there’s probably a bunch that are better than me at skiing.”
“You kind of smell like one too.”
“Too far, fox. Too far…”
As we finish our roasting session and meal. I reluctantly make one quick use of the restroom before securing the camper interior and then suiting up in my riding gear. With my helmet on, I step out to the safe glade where I had kept the camper the past few days. Already waiting for me outside is Artaya, who is sniffing around some trees on the far edge of the glade. I activate the radio and give her a call.
“Hey, Colonel, find anything interesting out there?”
“New smell. It’s vaguely similar to ker but also so very different. It might be a native Esquo breed.”
“Stop chasing those wascally wabbits and let’s get going.”
I finish readying the camper and snowmobile for travel as Artaya finally arrives back and jumps up into her seat on the snowmobile. I throw my leg over the seat and settle into place as I ease into the throttle and get the consist moving. Making a great big circle around the campsite, I pull back onto the old road that had led us here and start back towards the city of Sister’s Refuge.
The road, like all others we have encountered, is littered with broken-down trucks and sled vehicles, all wasting away to the forces of time and weather in this arctic land. By my reckoning, I take us through and near the city center once more to cut through the trafficless streets and pop back out on the highway heading up to Brother’s Gate. As we pass by a small but semi-familiar grouping of buildings, Artaya suddenly barks into the radio.
“Oh, Ullr! Before we leave, can you turn right down the next street? It’s my parents’s house again, and I’d like to see it one last time.”
“Sure thing, but ‘one last time’? No plans to come back here?”
“Negative. We kind of are supposed to be scouting the cities or something, and staying in one city out of thousands isn’t going to be a good look when someone comes to check on us.”
Check on us? Check on us!? Hah, ever hopeful, my fox friend. There is no way we aren’t here for good unless that terrorist radio thing somehow actually does call us away.
I turn the snowmobile and camper down the pitted street and find that the surroundings are indeed very familiar from our first day in the city. I slow the consist down right in front of the old building and park it while Artaya quickly hops down off of her seat and trots right to the edge of the sidewalk. She then slowly sinks into a sit and stares at the crumbling stone with a head tilt. As I walk up to join her, I hear a sound that has pulled at my heart since the first day I met her. I come to her side and sit down on the ground beside her and listen to her soft crying. I throw my arm over her shoulder and pull her in close as she cries through her helmet.
“Hey, Colonel, what’s got you all upset?”
“It’s just not right.”
“What’s not right?”
“I know you have nothing to go back to on Earth, but we do. It’s right here; it’s all right here, and we pretend like it’s not. I know there are a lot of those Fed planets, but we have our own ships and shields. My family shouldn’t have been ripped away from a place like this. I shouldn’t be the only one to see it… I miss them all so much…”
I take my arm and fully turn her into my chest as she cries it out. Despite her armored vest and my gloved hands, I try my best to stroke her back as she regains her composure. After a bit, she has gone quiet and makes an effort to pull out of my hug. She stands back up and takes a few steps forward before bowing and trotting back to the snowmobile, where she jumps back onto her seat. I slowly stand my sore self off of the frozen ground and wobble back to the snowmobile and retake my driving position.
As I roll down the street, a glimpse of heat in the helmet's HUD catches my attention, and I turn to see a hulking creature slowly pacing us behind the houses in the neighborhood. I form a gentle smile as I realize that Artaya’s guardian is still making sure we are safe but respectful of those that never got to leave. I take us back to a main boulevard, and soon enough we are rolling down the original highway we had taken in from the landing zone. I feel a snout boop into my back, and without slowing down, I wait for her to come over the radio.
“Ullr, I’m sorry about back there. I was jus-”
“Hey, Colonel, no need to apologize. I’ve done it as well this trip.”
Yeah, dead kids all piled on top of each other. No more bunker tours for this guy.
“Thank you, Ullr… Say, Captain, why don’t you just call me Artaya all of the time?”
I… huh, she does use my name a lot, but she’s always been more open. Still doesn’t change my rank, though.
“Colonel, I call you that for two main reasons: this is a military expedition and you are my commanding officer & it is your official rank, and I know you worked really hard to deserve the promotion. If you want me to only call you Artaya, let me know.”
“Yeah… I-I don’t know about the promotion; j-just go with Artaya, please.”
“Sure thing, Colonel Artaya.”
“H-hey, you… Eh, whatever, Captain Asshole.”
“That I am! That I am.”
After a while of just ripping down the battered highway, we arrive at the bottom of the long mountain road. The weight of the camper strains at the motor on the snowmobile, but Alavel’s trusty iron steed powers up the slippery surface into the pass. We crest the top of the winding road, and as we drive on, I spot the busted-down rest stop where Artaya and I had taken that picture what feels like eons ago.
Artaya doesn’t comment on the sight as we roar on down and restart my favorite activity of scanning the road and dodging sketchy holes and burnt-out vehicles. As we round a bend in the road, I spot something I hadn’t wished to see ever again. A bus with windows splattered in what I understand is a horrid mixture of Jaslip and Resket blood. I slow the snowmobile down and point over at the sickening display.
“Hey, Artaya, is that bus really filled up that much with blood? What do you think happened there?”
“I can’t really smell anything from it, but yeah, that looks like an akalet worth of Jaslip and Resket innards. My guess is it was transporting some resistance members and was stopped by Resket soldiers. You can imagine what transpired from there.”
The locals give a nice Esquo welcome to the invaders from the stars, handing out eviction notices.
“Fuck, and you all are supposed to somehow coexist as one big happy government now?”
“Like I’ve said before, Ullr, the ones that weren’t leaving either died here or got shipped to Omnol, as far away from the rest of the Consortium as possible. Even then, terrorism from the Fighter’s Enclave is expected at this point, even if you’re not from there…”
“You know, if not for that reputation leading to you getting screamed at for nothing, how would we have ever figured out that you have all of the same scratch spots on your head as Earth foxes?”
“We were assigned to the same room, so I think it would have come up at some point.”
“Really, like you think I would’ve just pet you at some point?”
“Yes.”
“Damn… Yeah, that’s probably right.”
Letting the memory of my first day and our first encounter filter through my mind, I continue carving down the highway, mostly following the remains of the tracks we had left behind not all too long ago. I only give a quick glance to the mangled remains of the elk I had attempted to butcher. The image of the wicked akalet polar bear-thing flashes in my head, and I make haste to remove us from the area.
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Memory Transcription Subject: Artaya, Jaslip KC Military Colonel
Date: [Standardized Human Time] June 18, 2160
The sun has long faded behind the thick tree line to the west, and Ullr’s head has been bobbing up and down in exhaustion for what feels like half of the evening now. His head nearly dips down to the handlebars, and we take a hard swerve, barely missing a rather egregious crater in the center sledway. With a huff, I tap my nose into his back and call into the radio over the whipping winds in our face.
“Ullr, I think that’s enough for today. Just find somewhere okay to pull off before we crash off.”
“I-I yawww, am fine for at least another half—”
My desire to see the morning overrides his desire to prove himself to no one as I take my jaws and place them precariously over his shoulder and into his back and chest. He takes a glance at me and his shoulders slump as he immediately peels to the side of the sledway into a small clearing free of any vehicles or shrubs. After the motorsled is in park, I hop down and make my way to the door of the camper, not even waiting for the stabilizers to deploy.
I quickly remove my vest and helmet as I dart for the comfort of the steam shower in the corner room of the camper. Closing the door behind me, it only takes a moment for the nuclear-warmed snowmelt to spray wonderfully into my tense legs. The soreness from riding on a hard, waterproof seat all day melts away as the steam parts through my coat. I don’t spend much time under the jets, but it’s enough to revitalize me as I step back out into the camper, where Ullr is already cooking dinner. The smell of seared beef makes my tails wag despite my distaste for the cooked meats; the smell is undeniably divine.
I hop into my bench in the dinette and watch in worry as Ullr’s head continues its bobbing while he cooks on the stove. His only jolts back to this world come in the form of hot grease splashing back onto his hands. Thankfully he is soon done with his own dinner of meat and greens as well as my plate of warmed ‘top sirloin.’ He sets the plates in front of us as he takes his seat, and I waste no time in devouring the meal and chugging my water. He slowly eats through his plate, and as he finishes his food and drink, I decide to inform him of my plans for tomorrow.
“So Ullr, I think there’s probably only the rest of the morning for traveling, and then we should arrive at the South Vault Door for Brother’s Gate. From there, we can—Ullr?”
As I speak to him, his eyes slip closed and his head sinks into his chest. A pang of frustration quickly burns up and then fades out in my chest as my prepared plans fall on sleeping ears. I turn sideways to tap a tail on his face, but he doesn’t budge. With a sigh, I hop down and do my best to collect the plates and cups and put them in the sink.
After making sure there’s nothing on my face, I walk up to Ullr and give him one more testing tap with a tail. Again, he doesn’t respond, and I decide to go through with my other plan. I use a tail to push him back into his seat as I jump up and onto his lap. Once I’m in a relatively comfortable position, I release him and let him fall forward onto my back.
Hah, who’s sleeping on whose back now? I bet you-
My own thoughts are cut short as I feel his arms wrap around my chest and he pulls his face down into the fluff on my back. I feel his gentle breathing go in and out of my freshly cleaned fur. I snuggle even closer to him and find my head tucked up into his arm. Closing my eyes, I feel content to drift off into sleep.
I’ll just tell him in the morning about the structure of Gate. For now, he needs his rest. Goodnight, Ullr. I hope you know there’s no one I’d rather be on this planet with.
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Posted Jul 18, 2025, 10:54 AM UTC