[759] no link this time bc it doesn't work, breakup story in the style of Han Kang

I don't know what I'm feeling, what I'm supposed to feel. I think I'm going to throw up. A strange sensation runs through my body, I'm not sure, but I think it's some kind of longing mixed with sadness and jealousy. Jealousy because he has more problems than me. He's in the hospital, I'm at home answering his texts. Yes, but you were in the hospital too. You wanted to text him when you were in the hospital, because it was his birthday. Why didn't you? That way he would have seen that he wasn't the only one going through a hard time. You had a chance to show him that you were suffering too, you could have shown that you had problems. But you didn't. Sometimes I wonder if he would have shown me more love if I had texted him when I was in the hospital. Or if he would have still acted like he had bigger problems than me. I wish I had mental problems, like him. No. Bigger than his. I want to be better at something than anyone else. If not at any sport, at least at suffering I want to be better than him.

When I talk to him, I feel like I'm talking to a wall. I've tried so hard to understand him, but he doesn't listen. He thinks he's smarter than me just because we're 8 years apart in age. That's what I think. He may be better at other things and has more experience, but he's not emotionally intelligent. He doesn't realize that his responses, which are more defensive than affectionate, are avoiding me. He always responds with short messages, even though I'd send him a whole paragraph apologizing. I used to tell him he was perfect, that his imperfections were part of his perfection. But I was wrong. He's not perfect. He's made a lot of mistakes, and I didn't even realize it. I thought that was what true love was supposed to look like. Lately, all our conversations have been arguments. I tried to explain to you what bothered me about him, but he always came up with arguments that shut me up and made me feel like everything I said and felt was wrong.

As if I had to apologize for what I felt every time. I woke up feeling disgusted. I was nauseous, but not because of the food. I was disgusted because I wasn't in the hospital. I still felt weird because he was there and I couldn't do anything. I felt inferior. I wanted to be with him, in a bed. The weird thing is, I hate hospitals. But I think I like that specific smell. It gives me an inexplicable sense of calm. I dreamed that I was in a hospital and I was looking for room number 5, gastroenterology. To get there I had to go through a dining room that looked like a restaurant, and then climb the stairs to the second floor. I saw many people on stretchers. I had the same dream yesterday. I wonder if it has any specific meaning or if it is just my subconscious trying to process my emotions. It hurts quite a bit. I start crying while doing various activities because I keep thinking about it, about us. Something broke inside me when he said he didn't want to talk anymore. But deep down I know that our bond hasn't broken. I know that we have a special connection.I feel his pain even when we're not together and it seems like I always know what he's thinking. I could talk to him like I couldn't ever with anyone else, he understood me like no one else. I'm sure this separation is only temporary, we are so close that each will find their way back to the other, I know that. It's still hard for me. I went to bed quite late because I couldn't sleep. My thoughts wouldn't leave me alone, especially the dark ones. Probably because I read a book about it. My thoughts are often influenced by what I see, hear or read. I could have gone to the kitchen at any moment to get a knife and do it, but the fear of dying alone prevented me. Or maybe it was God.

Today I tried to pray for him. I thought a heartfelt prayer would help us both. It was the least I could do for him and to make myself feel better.