Daily Humiliation (Narcissistic injury)

From the moment I wake up, till the moment I sleep, I feel nothing except humiliation and constant messages how inadequate I am. Deep down, I shouldn't be a loser, I should be better and successful than other people. I should be unique, and not other people. Girls should be repulsed by other men, but not me. If I become bald, then it shouldn't affect my attraction to women, because I am unique, and girls should be attracted to me. But of course, that's not what's happening in real life. Women don't pay attention to me and I keep living everyday remembering all other men my age including my friends, who get attention from women, gets approached, flirted with, all while I am being invisible, contrary to what I want and think should happen (women be attracted to me, and not to them).

Some people, including my colleagues, said to me that I am a loser, you can't do anything right, no girl will give me attention or give a shit about me. Hell, a girl even told me before that I am unattractive and no girl will look at me twice. Deep down, I know that I shouldn't be like this, I should be successful, that's who I am, and what's happening in real life causes me to be dissociated, depressed, and suicidal which is logical.

Even when I was playing kickboxing, when the Captain tried to teach us some move, I struggled to understand and implement it, all while seeing other people doing it successfully. It triggered my inferiority complex, like I am inferior to others, I am not successful like them, I am dumber, less charming, not attractive as they are, it is almost like you feel like you're a loser who's a complete zero and such realization causes one to dissociation like "Is this really happening? Is this real? I can't believe what's is happening, I can't believe it", sometimes it feelings like you're edging towards madness and extreme dissociation. Of course, coping mechanisms are here to help, YouTube, video games, fantasies where I am successful and powerful.

Recently, I developed extreme fantasies even, where I started to fantasize about lashing out on others, for all the frustration, anger, feeling of rejection, inadequacy, loneliness, failure by doing shootings like Eliot Rodeger. Of course that won't happen, the most extreme thing I can do, is shooting myself in the head. But, I think it would feel good, to target couples who are to me objects which tell me how inadequate, worthless, loser, inferior, and loser I am.