Stuck in a marriage after years of emotional and physical conflict- am i overreacting or ruining my life by wanting to leave?

Hi everyone,

I’m going through a really tough time right now and could really use some insight and (maybe) tough love.

I’ve been married for several years, and over time, my husband’s behavior has become increasingly controlling, threatening, and emotionally abusive. There has also been physical violence. Years ago, when I was pregnant, he hit me so hard I fell to the floor and my eardrum burst. That’s never left me. He also calf kicked me around the same time leaving me unable to walk for 2 days. (Yes- I should have called 911). He also calls me names like b**** , c***, slut, whore.

Recently, I left for five weeks hoping we could both get some space and work on things. He said he would start therapy, but never followed through. Since returning, things at first seemed okay so we had sex the night I got back. Clearly nothing has changed though.

Yesterday, after a basic argument he came up behind me and put his arm around me. I told him clearly, “Please don’t touch me.” He totally ignored me, squeezed me tightly, and said in a whispering & threatening voice, “Oh, you don’t want me to touch you? Wasn’t it nice when I fcked you the other night? Don’t you like when I fck you?” It was menacing, violating, and just weird and creepy...

In that moment, I slapped him multiple times. I’m not proud of it. But I was reacting from fear and panic and honestly anger. He then grabbed a rock, ran up to me acting like he was going to bash my head. He instead pressed it to my head, and told me he was going to kill me. He physically stopped himself from going further, but I was frozen in fear and literally shaking.

Admittedly later in the day he asked me not to touch him and I did the exact same thing back to him so he could see it was a big deal and not cool. (He kept saying he just was trying to comfort me).

Now he keeps calling me abusive and monstrous for slapping him. He told me i am a disgrace to myself, my family and my father. That im unlikable and that i have a small soul and am just a bad person. He says he would never hit me, even though he has — and not just once. But still, I find myself questioning everything. What if I am overreacting? What if I really am the problem? What if this isn’t “bad enough” to leave?

To make things even harder, he’s the provider, and I don’t have any family in the state. I’ve started packing an emergency go bag and have a list of shelters, but the thought of leaving makes me feel scared and unsure. I dont know if i have the strength to leave. I have kids, and I want to do what’s best for them and me.

If you’ve been through something like this, how did you work through the guilt and confusion? Is it in my head? I am worried that i am a narcissist amd my family is suffering because of me so i have set a psychiatrist appointment for 8/1. I just need someone to help me feel like I’m not crazy for wanting to leave or tell me i am crazy so I can start taking the steps to get better.

Thank you for reading. I really appreciate any advice or perspective. Sorry for any typos.