Just got married! Advice for resourceful planners and anyone grieving a parent or loved one

My husband and I got married in LA County at the end of April and it was spectacular. We used reddit a ton during our planning process so I figure it's good karma to pay it forward with a "tell all" and some takeaways. This post also goes out to all the grievers who may be agonizing over how to incorporate lost loved ones into your big day. You got this <3

Our wedding in a nutshell:

• Outdoor venue, ceremony and reception onsite 
• 135 guests, including 6 kids under 10 yrs old
• $50,000 budget (includes hotel, attire, etc.) for wedding day
  • $15,500 - catering & bartending
  • $7,900 - rentals (incl. lights, heat lamps, field kitchen)
  • $8,500 - venue (plus $2k refundable security deposit that we got back)

We prioritized finding an outdoor venue with no restrictive vendor requirements, and we then hand-picked each vendor over ~15 months. It was a ton of work, but well worth it for us. We got to build our dream team, prioritizing elements that were most important to us (i.e. quality food and wine, good photography) and scouring for the most competitive prices. The rentals cost more than we planned for, but we opted for a slightly pricier option with great reviews because we didn't want to risk hiring an unreliable company for such essential stuff. We also had to add space heaters to our order once we saw the weather forecast was going to be chillier than normal. Nothing kills a dance party like being cold! 

• ADVICE: If you're doing a la carte vendors, start as early as possible. Doing online research, phone calls, and budget reviews for each vendor takes a lot of effort, but since we started early we could focus on 1-2 at a time and that made it manageable. We did the caterer first, then photographer, coordinator, DJ, florist, rentals, etc…

We recruited family and friends to help with lots of details: making ceremony programs, menus, signage, garlands and centerpieces; doing readings and music for our ceremony; greeting guests and directing people to the parking area; moving chairs from the ceremony to reception area so we didn’t have to rent two sets of chairs. We didn't want to ask people for too much (we've helped pull off DIY weddings before... it's a lot of work!) but we also knew we needed help to stay within budget. We asked people to do tasks in their wheelhouse, and we gave lots of advance notice and a budget where needed. I filled in the holes with used decorations from FB Marketplace and stuff I made on CanvaPro using a 30-day free trial. The results were amazing. Our wedding felt elegant and intentional but also home-y and welcoming. Creating Canva "table themes" with my husband featuring our favorite movies, albums, and restaurants was a wedding planning highlight. It made me feel sooo happy that many guests said our wedding really felt like "us". 

• ADVICE: Consider asking a family member to provide wedding coordination "back up" assistance. We hired a budget-friendly month-of coordinator and she met our expectations, but she didn't necessarily go above and beyond. My husband's aunt was on deck to assist with random tasks, like galvanizing our wedding party for the grand entrance or going to find my dad at cocktail hour. My husband's aunt and parents also made sure we got all our alcohol back at the end of the night, since we brought it ourselves. The catering staff were ready to take supplies home!!

Lastly, for some more personal stuff. My mom died of breast cancer 8 years ago and I have been dreading the wedding planning process ever since she passed. I put a lot of effort into honoring her at our wedding. We had a Wish You Were Here table of lost loved ones, and her photo was the biggest. We included her favorite flowers in our centerpieces and bouquets. I wore her 80’s wedding dress to our welcome event the night before, and I wore her veil, wedding ring, and jewelry on my wedding day. We left an empty chair for her at the ceremony, and both my husband and I talked about her in our vows. 

But my favorite mom moment was actually having a good cry with my sister during hair and makeup. My sister and brother set up a “shrine” of trinkets, photos and candles in the hotel room, and queued up a couple emotional songs. My sister told me we could take a beat whenever I needed it. And sure enough, the moment hit me when I was getting my hair curled, double fisting coffee and a mimosa. My sister came over, played the songs, and we just let the tears flow and talked about how much my mom would’ve wanted to be with us. My HMUA was super respectful and my wedding party lovingly gave us space without making things awkward. My sister had to dab like a maniac because her makeup was already done! It was the perfect container for my grief. Once the two songs were up I was ready to get excited again, and I felt pure joy for the rest of my wedding day. 

• ADVICE: There’s no perfect way to honor a parent or lost loved one at your wedding. And sometimes the best honoring is unplanned. I learned that curating a time for sadness made it possible for me to be really happy afterwards. For anyone anticipating big grief feelings, consider building in some private moments with your spouse or someone you can be vulnerable with. And remember to dab your makeup instead of wipe :)