pain as a motivating factor

hi everyone. i’m jamie. i’ve been struggling with 7oh for almost a year now… i’m a long time opioid addict. started on v’s when i was 16 and just kept climbing up the ladder. by 21 i was using h iv.

i met someone in jan of last year while i was in treatment. like the addict i am, i decided to move from california to florida to be with her. i’m a chronic overdoser (h & f), and for my family’s sake, getting out of california seemed like a good idea. no connections here… my mom can finally sleep at night. but like they say, “wherever i go, there i am.”

within 5 months, i stumbled across 7oh at a smoke shop in st. pete… and it was off to the races. i’ve had 4 jobs in the 1.5 years i’ve lived here. i lost every single one (except one i left willingly) because of this addiction.

let me just say… when i’m clean, i’m someone you’d want around. i’m an empath, a good listener, i’m personable, happy, motivated, always trying to make people feel good. but i’ve been strung out on 7oh since last august and i’ve become someone else. dr. jekyll & mr. hyde. i do the bare minimum… and i mean bare. i show up to work but half the time i’m in withdrawal … irritable, angry, thirsty for more.

i’ve spent every last dollar on this shit for a year now. my poor girlfriend going without just to feed my starvation. one month i looked and realized i had spent $3,000 at the smoke shop. in one month.

i’ve tried over and over to stop. i can’t even get past day 2 anymore. i’ve got all the helper meds …all of them … and i still can’t stop. it’s the mental part that kills me. today i was about to hit 48 hours clean and my whole family in california is together for my little sister’s bridal shower… and i lost it. i went and bought a pack and cried tears that felt like they’d been stuck in my soul for years.

as i’m getting back home, i get a text from my boss saying they don’t need me anymore. gave me some bullshit excuse about the business being too slow… while actively hiring on indeed. whatever. it doesn’t matter. they didn’t handle it professionally but bottom line, i am nowhere near my best self on this stuff.

it makes me a zombie. i feel nothing except “i want more.” i hate who i’ve become. i feel like i’ve finally hit rock bottom. pain is the only thing that ever motivated me.

if anyone has any advice on how to get through the mental part of this… i’d be really grateful. i’ve gone to a couple na meetings here but left and went straight to the smoke shop. i want off this shit.

i’ve never been good at handling emotional pain, and this pain from withdrawal… it’s a beast. also i’m not really looking to get on s. i’ve gotten some off a friend a few times and even those don’t stop me from using. i also have no health insurance here in tampa & no money whatsoever to spend hundreds on a script from Quik M d. anyway… any advice is welcome. even if you feel the need to give me some tough love… im here for it. i want my life back, i wanna feel music again 💔