recently relapsed, fluid in abdomen, can't stop drinking

Hey all, I am an alki... ive had 4 years of sobriety in the last 5 years, but I'm back drinking in recent months. 10 years ago, I had fluid in abdomen in my 20s, got sober, lost 100 pounds, it all went away and my liver "healed itself" with some scarring remaining.

In the last few months, I started drinking again (mid 30s now) and I'm getting fluid again in my abdomen, a pint of vodka a day, binge drinking... I'm scared but I also don't give a f. I want to dei. I want to live. I just got a great job and I start training in August. Why do I hate myself? Why do I do this? Why don't I care about myself? Why can't I care about the 12 steps and diligently meeting wiith my sponsors? (they all fired me, all 3 of them)