I think I might actually need rehab or something.

Posting this because I'm afraid if I tell my husband he'll cave and buy me a vape again like last time, but I can't take the withdrawal anymore and it's only been like 4 hours and most not including the time I've slept. You know those over the top stereotypes about vaping addiction? That's me and then some. This is just about the closest thing to demon possession there is in my opinion. Im in so much pain and I just need a fucking vape.

I feel like garbage my skin is blotchy (like pale and red at the same time) I'm shaking, crying every 5 minutes and have completely shut down verbally. I've been hiding in the bathroom typing this because I quite literally cannot get myself to speak. I'm afraid I'm going to scream or cry or lash out at my husband or daughter in some kind of way. I legit feel like I'm going insane. It takes so much concentration to keep myself from rocking back and forth or to keep my jaw from clenching too hard. I have done nothing all day except stare out into space which obviously worries my husband. I wish I could go to rehab or better yet I wish I could be locked in a closet so my family doesn't have to see me lose my mind over a stupid fucking vape.

Why is it so painful? I would not wish this on my worst enemy. It doesn't end. There's no sudden craving or a wave of symptoms that eventually goes away. It. Is. Constant. The buzzing at my temples, the tightness, the urge to bang my head against the wall and cry is constantly there. It hurts. I know that my husband is concerned and God forbid he finds out I've been pulling my hair out and hitting myself. (I know how that sounds but I promise it's not hard enough to actually injure myself) He would just get me a vape again and tell me to try again later.

I don't want to try again later, I don't even WANT to quit. What I want to do is vape until I inevitably get cancer or popcorn lung. But thats not FUCKING HEALTHY!! The most responsible thing for me to do would be to STOP. But I also can't keep hiding in the bathroom and hitting myself like a fucking crack fiend. I eventually have to work and guess what guys? I work in the best fucking place in the whole wide world to quit smoking. The US Army!!!!!! It's gonna be so fucking easy watching everyone smoke and vape indoors and pop a zyn or dip right in front of my face for the next 2 weeks, but oh let's not forget, the cravings NEVER STOP. Ive seen more people complain about that than anything else on this stupid fucking sub reddit. It NEVER goes away.

So you're telling me that if I somehow survive the one thing that has stressed me out more than child birth, none of it matters? One day the pain can just come back out of nowhere? That sounds great. Awesome.

Is there a way I can be put into a medically induced coma for a month? Fuck it I'd rather someone just kill me now. Sure maybe I'd be better off asking a doctor to help, but have you met doctors in the ARMY? They don't give a fuck. At best they might shove some Lexapro down my gullet and call me cured. At worst I have to go to group therapy and look like a fucking freak in front of sane people who don't wanna kill themselves from nicotine withdrawal. This can't be fucking normal. All my husband had to do was stop once. What the fuck is wrong with me? It fucking hurts.

Venting hasn't helped either. My chest hurts and my husband wants me out of the bathroom. Ive been in here an hour, but I don't even wanna look at him. Ive been neglecting my own kid all day. This shit is ruining my fucking life. What did I do to deserve this? Its just a fucking vape. I really am gonna let this shit kill me aren't I? Weak.