Anniversary blues

This is my second anniversary without my LW even though its been a little over a year since her passing (she passed away in June). It seems so fresh and yet so long ago that I remember the warmth of her smile, the comfort of her touch or even hearing her voice.

We had a very tumultuous few months before her demise. She was an alcoholic and had slipped and when she did I tried very hard to get out of the marriage including moving out and starting divorce proceedings. So we spent the last few moments fighting with each other though we both deeply loved each other. She died alone in our bed, discovered a few days after her passing. So, I'm trying to not just process the grief of losing her but also the guilt of abandoning her when she needed me the most.

How painful is this feeling of pain, guilt and longing intertwined together, eating at me like a disease. I'm a shadow of myself, focused on just numbing my pain to the point where I'm barely alive, going through the paces like a zombie, bereft of purpose. I found someone. A widow. And for a while I felt the peace of having someone care for me in my life. Now that's also not working. Mostly, because I'm not functional in my state and incapable of having a normal relationship.

Sharing just because. Or maybe I'm just looking for someone to tell me its going to be alright.