Birthday shmirthday

Today, the 19th of July, the day before I am supposed to turn 43 (and for some reason I don’t look like it, even weighing and moving the way I did when I was in my twenties, or better) have been mercilessly raped for the last 13 months or so, with years of torment before that. This rape hasn’t been physical, but mental, emotional, spiritual. I have been emasculated, belittled, had all power taken from me, cut off from the one I love, tauntingly reminded in cryptic ways that were indecipherable at the time, and had unspeakable things introduced to my awareness with evil glee. I am a shell of a man. I can’t even defend myself, can’t prove anything because of the insidious deception of satan and his tools, and if someone tells me I’m a loser, I can’t deny it. My own parents look at me with mockery in their eyes, like I’m the most evil thing and God will strike me down. I am shunned by the woman I love, while I have some unproven hope that she’s just scared, and has been putting idols between us. It’s not proven though, no evidence, just people gawking at me and talking about me while I’m standing right there, not even willing to address me. I hope God kills me.