I don't remember the postpartum stage being so damn hard

I have severe anxiety and panic disorder along with OCD. I go to therapy biweekly but I chose to go unmedicated for many good reasons due to past experiences. However, pregnancy and postpartum do a lot to a woman's body and mind and therapy only helps a little. I have a lot of physical symptoms from my anxiety that have me constantly thinking I'm going to die.

I gave birth July 16th to a 10lb 1oz beautiful baby boy. We had no idea he would be that big! I'm so in love. I have a 6 year old daughter as well. This time around I'm single and don't have a ton of help but I love the newborn stage. I want to enjoy every moment but it's taken over by panic and feeling like shit. I'm scared I'm just going to drop dead any second. I don't remember feeling so crappy with my daughter but I called and my Dr says it's normal. I'm nauseous, my heart palpitates non stop, I'm dizzy, sweating and I just feel off all the time. I look at my son and the deep feelings of love and excitement are quickly ruined by a feeling of panic and what if I die of some postpartum complications and he's all alone? I'm afraid to shower. I'm afraid of everything. I just want to feel okay. I can't stop crying and feeling fear. I had a friend pass away 2 months postpartum and it's all I can think about