I hate my mother and dream of leaving her forever.

Hello. Without unnecessary formalities, I want to share my experience and the trauma of living with a mother whom I hate, pity, and fear.

My mother is an extrovert — she loves loud parties, makes new acquaintances easily, starts conversations with others without effort, and is a very open person. Throughout her life, she gave birth to three children: me, the eldest, then my younger sister and brother. We live in Kyrgyzstan, where boys are often considered the heirs, the dream, and the support of the family. My mother never truly hugged or kissed me, never sincerely told me she loved me or that I was the light of her life. Words like that were reserved only for my younger brother, who is the meaning of her life and her favorite. Because of her influence, he grew up arrogant, rude, spoiled, looking down on everyone, insulting me — maybe this will pass with age, but who knows.

My mother always raised me strictly. I’ve been afraid of her for as long as I can remember. One of the most vivid memories is from when I was in 3rd grade. I used a calculator to solve a math assignment, and because of that, she started screaming, hitting me, scolding me, and telling my father what a talentless, stupid daughter I was.

Another memory from my childhood was when she turned my grandmother (her mother) against me by telling her that I was a terrible child. My grandmother forced me to apologize and feel guilty. At that moment, I felt hurt and scared — two adult women had turned against me, a little girl.

Yes, as a child (and even now), I wasn’t perfect, but I never ran away from home, never yelled at my parents, never threw anything in their faces. It hurt so much that they didn’t want to understand me and only kept telling me to "fix my personality." As a child, I was open, cheerful, and active, but my mother crushed that. I became reserved, quiet, calm, non-confrontational — and now she complains to everyone about how closed-off and distant I am.

My mother simply doesn’t understand what personal space means. She doesn’t give me the right to choose, dislikes my tastes and preferences, says she’ll always support me — and then hits where it hurts most. She can walk into my room and talk on the phone while I’m studying, even if other rooms are free. She often says that in the future, I’ll be a bad wife, and my future husband and mother-in-law will beat me and throw me out of the house. She says this every time I do something "wrong" in household matters.

Whenever she buys me something, later during arguments, she always says: “I bought this for you!” — as if I begged her to. But I never insisted on her buying anything; she offered it herself and then made it seem like she spent her last money on it.

My parents support me financially — and they use that to pressure me. If I talk about my problems, they respond with things like, “Other children don’t even have parents,” or “You’re spoiled only because of us.”

I understand and appreciate everything they do for me, but sometimes the pressure becomes unbearable.

At the same time, I feel very sorry for my mother. She married my father, who frankly never did what a husband should. He almost never helps around the house, never gave her flowers or gifts, controlled every coin she spent, never told her she was beautiful, and so on.

My mom is a strong woman. She had a hard life, achieved everything on her own, and is now good at her job. I feel terrible that I can’t really help her. We’re both wounded people who don’t know how to talk to each other. I’ve always been willing to open up to her, but every time I tried, she forced me to shut down again.

Maybe something is wrong with me. More than anything in the world, I wish she had a different daughter — not me. A daughter who would make her happy. I regret being born as her child.