I can't stop wanting to do it

I'm 33F.

I was in an abusive and controlling marriage from 2013-2022. Had 3 kids. Self harmed off and on every few years. Survived one OD suicide attempt in 2020 right when COVID hit. Had another one last February and this time did not go back to my home/marriage after getting out of the hospital.

I used money I'd saved for nursing school to get a car and an apartment. Ended up needing to get a 2nd job in August to be able to pay for my bills and lawyer. Still ended up $20k in debt now from still not making enough money. My husband stalked me all last year and came to my apartment and assaulted me twice, despite me having a restringing order against him.

I started dating my best friend from work in December. Everything was great at first and I finally got my divorce finalized. But apparently he is a dismissive avoidant and since April we started fighting more and more. I'd say something to him and tell him my feelings were hurt by something he did or the fact that he no longer spent time with me. He would get mad. We had a big fight last weekend and he didn't speak to me for 2 days. I ended up self harming for the first time since 2021 during that time.

We finally spoke on Wednesday at work. He said that I'd been making him feel like shit and hate himself because nothing was ever good enough for me and so he had stopped trying. But he said that he wanted to work things out and stay together. Then right before he left for the day he saw the scab on my wrist and freaked out and avoided me again. It's been silent treatment pretty much all week. Yesterday I texted him while we were both at work for clarity and he said "I think we need to take a break or something because I can't handle what you did." He basically blamed everything on me. I will admit that due to my past I am extremely anxious and I did press him for emotional closeness that I don't think he's capable of. But I never yelled at him, insulted him, said anything mean to him or put him down.

I went to the bathroom at work and made myself vomit. There was a bit of blood, probably from my finger. But I used it as an excuse to leave and I went to the doctor, partially to get a note and partially because my stomach is constantly hurting and upset. Maybe from stress, maybe from something medical.

Now I'm off work til Monday and since asking me yesterday to update him on what happened at the doctor, he hasn't spoken to me. He knows I'm suffering emotionally because of him, and he knows somethings wrong with my stomach (he had urged me countless times over the past months to go to the doctor about it). But hasn't said anything to me, hasn't checked on me. I want so desperately to reach out but I'm sure I'll just be met with the coldness and rejection he's shown me lately.

I don't understand how someone who I used to be so close to, who told me they loved me and made me feel loved, could treat me like this and not care. I can't understand what I ever did so wrong and why no one ever treats me right, at least not for long. I can't do anything but lay here in bed and cry off and on. I can't even concentrate enough to watch tv. To make it worse, my birthday is in 3 weeks and I was looking forward to spending it with him.

I'm so alone and I want to die. I would've done it already but I'm afraid of trying again and surviving it. I don't have any strong meds so I'm afraid they won't work, but I'm hoping maybe I can slow down my heart enough to stop it and since I live alone now, there's no husband to find me and I won't say anything to anyone so no one will send an ambulance. I have 180 6.25mg tabs of carvedilol, 12 1mg tabs of lorazepam, 16 50mg tabs of trazodone, probably over 100 50mg tabs of hydroxyzine. I have some other stuff for my depression and PTSD I guess I could take too. Im just so afraid of it not working and just making me sick or making me unconscious. I'm starting to think about taking it all and going on a hike up to this big exposed cliffside. I hope that maybe I would get dizzy or pass out and fall over the edge.