Almost two decades, it’s never getting better.

I am trying to do everything the right way, yet I am continually letting my family down. I cannot function. I’m not thriving. I don’t even feel like I’m surviving at this point. I’ve been medicated on and off for 17 years, consistently for 8 years. Nothing is working. I am disabled. I do the best that I can and it’s not good enough. My husband deserves more, my children deserve better. I can’t organize my thoughts and my brain won’t stop. There is no pause.

I have an emergency appointment on Monday with my psychiatrist. If there’s no improvement by Friday, I’ve agreed to go inpatient for a second time. If there’s no improvement after that, I’m done. I can’t do this anymore. I’m a burden on everyone in my life and this is no way to live.

Medications don’t work and therapy can’t fix a fundamentally broken brain. I never should have let things get this far but I did and now it’s harder than ever to end it but what else am I supposed to do?

“It’ll get better, just give it time.”

I did give it time, all I’ve given it is time. It never gets better.