Im kind of crashing out. Please help.

So basically, I’m terrified that I’ve been abusive throughout my relationship with my boyfriend and it won’t let me live in peace. I’m so scared that I’ve been a bad person toward him and and I don’t know if I should break up with him. I don’t want to hurt him anymore. I’ve asked him many times everything’s our relationship is healthy and he says yes, but I think he’s lying. I am so concerned. It’s my first relationship and no way does that justify anything and also we have an age gap. He’s seven years older than me. But we have some really ugly fights and I always end up crying and getting really upset and making a big deal.

I’ve also had some issues with jealousy and insecurity and I’m so scared that I’ve been a bad girlfriend and was way too controlling. Every time he tries to explain something I did wrong I start getting really sad and very defensive. I’ve threatened to break up with him multiple times and I just learned that’s abusive to do. Please help I know how to apologise to him and person. I feel like a monster. Also, when we fight and I get upset, I raise my voice. I’m so terrified that I’ve become a terrible person. Please please i need some advice.