AITAH for not telling friends why I do not contact them?

So this is a long background. TLDR at the bottom.

My husband and I have been together for 23 years, have an adult disabled son that still lives with us, and have had the natural ups and downs of a long relationship. 2018 we were struggling some; our son was having very challenging behaviours and we disagreed on the way forward, my job was going through a reorganisation and being the only wage coming into the house I was panicking and getting overwhelmed with the finances. We argued more and I struggled with this because of a previous relationship that turned abusive.

We survived but there were learned behaviours thanks to a cluster of mental illness with both of us dealing with anxiety and I still suspect he was also trying to cope with depression. I got medication and a bit of counselling through work but my husband refused to accept it would work for him. When he snapped I would panic, when he was angry I would supplicate to try to make things better.

It started slow but then 2020 happened. Our son's behaviours went from bad to dangerous and we were constantly in crisis all while we were trapped in the same house in a neighbourhood we hated. My husbands anger grew worse through the frustration and anxiety he could not find a place for. To prevent it being our son I would take the brunt, accept the blame and let him scream at me.

I kept going and kept trying to fix the causes of each ranting frustration until I was burned out and had to have my medications increased. I won't go into individual events but a taste of the worst was when he screamed at me until me ears rang because I couldn't step away from my work to deal with something immediately and when he let loose the hour after I found out my grandma died and shouted so close to me that I felt spittle. He was never violent and this was him pouring out frustration at himself in a very unhealthy way.

I say that now because I don't want people thinking this is still a current issue...in 2023 we came to a breaking point. I told him to pack up and leave because I couldn't live like this anymore. He broke down and we talked without the shouting and the anger for the first time in years and he gave me a glimpse of the trauma that he was not processing properly and laying on me. We talked and talked, we found a path forward and we have been taking that path ever since.

During all of this we had the friend group. All guys that I had met through my husband. They were his friends first and I just became part of the group. Even back then when I wasn't reaching out to them much because I couldn't stand the idea of poisoning the well that meant my angry husband was leaving the house to see his friends and giving me a chance to breathe...even then I saw them as chosen family. I had been there for breakups, job problems, advice, support, a place to sleep and a meal to share.

My husband finally opened up to them when they all went away for a short break. He told them about what he had been bottling up, what had been affecting him amidst the virus and their support to him was incredible. He came back from that break a different man; having taken so many steps forward and showing me he recognised what he had been doing and how he would be spending his life making it up to me (spoiler....he totally has).

So I decided to be honest with them too. To explain to them why I had been so quiet for years, What my husband had been like to live with, how I hoped in this new path they would understand how damaged I had been in this and how I needed help to heal so hey friends.

The answers I got back broke my heart. They minimised me and what I said; things had been tough for everyone, how they didn't know what to say as this was their friend I was shit talking, if I was sure it was me remembering things as they had been or was it anxiety.

It threw me back months of progress as I immediately doubted myself. Was I overreacting, was I the person that had pushed him to get so angry...the spiral was very real. I returned back to all of the placating behaviours but this time they made my husband angry because of them. Arguments about how it was making him feel and how he was doing better and so on....minor to how he had once been but that took a lot of calmer sit downs for us to unpick the origin of my trauma.

With that I didn't message single one of them. I barely spoke if they happened to come to the house and definitely didn't move past the friendly pleasantries. Honestly? I am not sure they noticed all that much.

2024 happens. A crappy and bittersweet year. My dad passed away after a long illness but provided me with the deposit for us to be able to move and own a house. It had been offered before his health really began to decline but he told me that he wanted us to go no matter what. He helped me understand paperwork and was my life advisor during the stress of moving.

On the last day packing the van one of the friend group volunteered to help and while there took me to one side to apologise for how he had responded at the time. How he had come to realise what he had said to a victim of abuse and if it had been his sister he would have reacted better so he should have with me. I accepted the apology but told him that our friendship would stay different for now at least. That I needed to see if I could re-learn to trust. A sentiment he readily accepted.

Our new home is a long way from our original but it is a wonderful neighbourhood full of children and wildlife instead of crime and addicts. We are better for the space and our marriage has gone on from strength to strength where we can sit and talk honestly, support each other without frustration building up and re-find what brought us together all those years ago.

And now we come to this week. My husband sat me down and asked me if I could reach out to the rest of the group to explain why I hadn't spoken to them in so long but spoke to the one that had apologised. That they would be horrified if they knew this is how I felt about them. My answer was a simple no. That it had been 2 years and they clearly hadn't thought of me further, that they showed me how they viewed me and I believed them. I don't want to waste emotional energy on something I have worked through and am at peace with.

I don't want him to cut them off, I am still glad he has such wonderful friends. I have also told him that I will be the hostess with the mostest if they visit because our interests haven't changed but I have no interest in being their "person" nor will I ever trust them to be mine.

So....does this make me an AH? That I won't let go how they responded to me when I told them what I had lived through as they supported my husband without supporting me.

TLDR: My friends dismissed my emotions when I told them about my husband being emotionally abusive 2 years ago. Only one of them apologised a year later and I haven't spoken to the rest of them since. Am I the AH for telling my husband that, after 2 years of silence from both sides, I am not going to reach out to them or trust them with my emotions.