Sense Of Self

Hi all,

Apologies if I say anything wrong in this post - I never really use reddit & I'm unsure of the correct terminology for these things.

I'm an adult and I was diagnosed with ASD earlier in this year and I'm struggling a lot with... well, lot's of things.

What I'm finding the most difficult thing at the moment is feeling like I'm faking things, and struggling with my sense of self. I feel as though I've lost my "spark" over the years, especially since becoming an adult. I found it a lot easier to socialise as a kid / teenager, because adults and peers would go out of their way to engage with me but I'm finding it difficult to adjust and socialise properly now as an adult, as I have to make meaningful conversation and engage. I feel as though I've become quite boring and one-dimensional. I don't feel as though I "fit in" almost anywhere. When I was 16-17, I was so bubbly and now I feel like I've completely lost my personality in an attempt to fit in or please others (I had a pretty nasty friendship a couple years back - they had constant arguments directed towards me & it made me paranoid and anxious, became a lot more recluse and shut-in since then), and I'm now left feeling like I don't have a real personality and that it's all fabricated for the sake of everyone else around me. I feel very frustrated at myself, and I'm struggling more than ever in my adulthood to be myself and make meaningful connections - it felt so much easier as a kid. I feel like a shell of my former self, and while my diagnosis has given me a lot of clarity into how I am and has made me feel better in many senses, it has also made me hyperaware of how I act & My brain keeps trying convincing me that I'm just making it all up and that I need to just get over it, or stop "blaming it" on my autism. Not sure if any of that made sense, sorry if it didn't or if I said anything wrong. Does anyone else feel this way?

I'm also hesitant to reach out to support groups, because I feel like my support needs are way lower than many other people's who need support and I'd feel bad taking that spot away from someone who needs it more than me, as I was diagnosed as "L1 - Minimal Support". If I was to get support, I'm fearful that I wouldn't even know what to say, I find that it's difficult to pinpoint my feelings and what my needs are unless I'm actively feeling said emotion or going through a tough situation.

This mindset that I have is making me feel quite down, I hate feeling like I'm just kind of existing, and I yearn to go back to being my once energetic and funny self, but I just feel so apathetic and I can't seem to be able to act like how I used to. Any advice or general replies are appreciated - I'm not entirely sure what I want from this post, I think to just see if anyone relates, or can guide me to resources to help + a little vent because it's hard keeping all of these thoughts in with nowhere to release it.