It’s every night

I’m not looking for woes or advice even. I’m just miserable and don’t even have the energy to go get a notebook to write my thoughts in.

Lately it’s every single night. I could have the best day. Productive, fun, with friends, good food, perfect weather, all that. Then the end of the night comes and i am miserable. I can’t stop crying or feeling sorry for myself.

I am bi polar, i take my meds. I feel like my meds don’t even work anymore. I told my dr that and he upped them a little bit and we’re going to talk about it again soon. I am painfully self aware but it’s so hard to do anything about it. I’m up all night thinking of every terrible thing that’s ever happened to me. Then i hate myself because i know other people have had it worse and im being so silly. Then i spiral out of control because i know im only thinking that way because growing up my mom didn’t allow me to have any emotion other than grateful.

I think about my ex still and i hate myself even more for that. We were awful for each other. After all the time we forced ourselves to stay with each other, the damage was done and we were both guilty of doing terrible things to one another. We broke up years ago, it’s embarrassing i still fall into her trap when she comes back around for 2 weeks then goes away like she wasn’t just telling me how much she loves me. It’s been that way for 7 years now. The first 4 we were in a relationship, if that’s what you want to call it. Then for 3 years I’ve went back and forth from thinking i was finally getting better, putting my best foot forward with therapy and routine. When we first broke up she kept me wrapped around her finger. Every 2 or 3 months she’d text me and I’d immediately cave. After a year of that she stopped. We finally went the longest we ever gone without talking and i finally got some work done. When she popped back up again i apologized for all the parts that i failed at in our relationship. We had such a long, emotional talk. Next thing you know we were talking often again and this time i had a different hope. Maybe it was me the entire time and i was just too much of an asshole to see. Then she’d text me goodnight, tell me how much she loved me and she was so happy we found our way back to each other again. In the morning I’d text her and it wouldn’t go through that’d be that until the next time she came around. Wouldn’t you be embarrassed? Honestly how pathetic can i be? All the work i put in and i still cant love myself enough to just stop texting back?

Though this is a huge reason i cry myself to sleep, it’s not the only one. You all know how it goes. The door opens and that’s it. I’m flooded with every time my mom yelled at me, every time my older brother pinch me so I’d shove him back and get yelled at for hitting him. Every time i got sent home from school for having sel* ha*m marks and I’d get grounded because of it. Every friendship that failed. Every relationship that was the same. Every person i hurt. All of it.

It gets worse and worse. How can i still feel like this? Why can’t i just grow tf up? I’m in my 30s and so much further from healed than i thought i was. I was doing so good for over a year then last year i lost my footing and i haven’t been able to get it again.

I don’t know what to do anymore but i am so so so tired of crying.

for the sake of the notice that popped up while writing this- i am 100% safe. I am at no risk of hurting myself or others. I am just so fucking sad and wanted to get my thoughts out of me