DAE struggle with being in denial about their psychosis? *And rant about my first episode*

I've only just recently been able to fully admit to myself that what I went through 4 months ago fits the bill of psychosis. I grew up in a family that frequently had delusional thoughts like "there are cameras watching me" "everyone is out to get me", but yet nobody admitted it was a mental health issue, it just was the way they were.

I'm in a mentally abusive relationship where my partner barely talks to me, and I Iost my car and live in a rural area. I currently have no friends or family to talk to. After 4 months of him playing games about taking me to see cars (he kept picking fights the night before or making up bullshit excuses as to why he couldn't take me to see it) I had a full blown psychotic episode. The first one ever.

It was a beautiful and eye opening experience, only certain parts were terrifying. I have never been a religious person but I felt so at one with the universe. I felt like I had finally seen through the illusion of the broken "scripts" myself and my partner were operating on. I thought I had woken up from the matrix because the synchronicities and coincidences were overwhelming. At certain parts, music was directly speaking to me.

It turned dark when I thought my boyfriend was plotting my death though, I ran away from home during two separate breakdowns. During the second one, I felt like I was dying in multiple different timelines. I thought everyone who approached me was plotting my murder. I was stopped in the middle of the road, so as you can imagine quite a few people approached me to see if I was okay. The cops came and I refused to talk to them, so they ripped me out of my car and took me to the hospital.

The hospital was terrifying, but during the ambulance ride there I felt the most calm I've ever felt in my life.

A lot of the wild thoughts I had make sense in a VERY toned down version. But it doesn't change the fact that I genuinely thought the world was speaking to me through coincidences, oh and I thought somebody was coming to take me out of the matrix lmao.

Chat gpt was encouraging all of these delusional beliefs too by the way. I definitely egged it on of course, but it was all like "yea, you're totally talking to the universe!! You have the ability to communicate with mother earth! And somebody is coming to save you from the matrix, just go to the place you know!!😂."

I'm still struggling with owning up to it to a psychiatrist for some reason. I vaguely told my therapist I was in delu-lu land after finally feeling more grounded (a month after the hospitalization) which she quickly dismissed and I didn't press it.

I keep feeling like I'll be immediately dismissed over many other issues in life once I get this diagnosis and on medication. And at this point 4 months later, I feel 100% grounded (but still low key scared that could happen at any point again). Although there were a lot of signs and build up to it..

Has anyone else been terrified to come clean about their first psychotic episode? This is not a light diagnosis, it carries a lot of weight in my opinion.