I think I started accidentally falling in love with an online friend, and I hate myself for it

I don’t really know how to begin this, but I need to get it off my chest. I (25F) think I might be in love with my online friend (19M), and I honestly hate myself for it. I didn’t mean to fall for him. When we first became friends last year, it was nothing more than just a friendship. I saw him kind of like a little brother since he was 18 and younger than me and saw him as like, someone I cared about and supported as he figured things out. I’ve been through some of the same issues as he has and yeah idk I just think we should be kind and supportive to each other ya know? And like honestly a 25 year old falling for a 19 year old like ew ya know? I would NEVER. Like he 19!!!! Like I’m at uni or at work and stuff and I see the 19 year olds and we are friends and friendly and stuff like no issues but I could NEVER imagine being with them like that ya know? Like sorry but too young imo lol.

But somewhere along the way, something in my feelings shifted. It’s not physical or anything like that and I don’t want anything inappropriate. It’s more like this really deep, emotional, “soul” kind of love. I want him to be happy, genuinely, and sometimes when I’m out I see things he likes and think “he’d love this,” and then remember I can’t just send it to him because we live in different countries. I’d do anything for him ya know? He means so much to me it hurts a bit sometimes.

And I’m not even sure if it’s even “romantic” in the traditional sense, like, it’s confusing because there’s a part of me that STILL sees him as a younger sibling, and yet… there are these overwhelming feelings of care, devotion, and probably love that I have for him. I just don’t know what to do with it. It’s eating me up because I never wanted this, and I feel like a terrible person for even feeling this way.

It’s not like I have some big plan to confess or change anything. I don’t wanna make the friendship weird or awkward and he defs sees me as a sister and I don’t want to cross any lines. I just... I don’t know, like I just wanna do things with him that makes him happy. I want to take him on silly little dates, like to a museum (he loves dinosaurs), or fishing and stuff like that and just see him smile and nerd out about everything. It’s like I wanna spend time with him yeah ofc (cause again we online friends) but it’s more than that ya know? Hell I even wanna to take him shopping and buy him stuff (even if he’d roll his eyes and act like it’s “not his thing” because he’s a guy) cause I just want to lift his spirits about himself, even for a moment.

He struggles a lot with insecurity and mental health, and I know I can’t fix that and I’m not trying to, but I just want to be there and support him. I just wanna lift him up when the world feels too heavy. He deserves that. And I’d do anything to make sure he knows he’s not alone. He desperately wants a girlfriend (not with me ofc just we’ve talked about this as friends ya know?) and thinks that will help and I disagree with him (not saying couples can’t help each other or support each other but I don’t think they are a cure for these type of things) so there is no way I wanna be in a relationship with him (rn at least if we were compatible lol) until he sorts stuff out. I feel really sorry for him and I have a feeling (not confirmed but just based off lil things he has said) a lot of that has to do with some stuff when he was younger (not my place to say really) and he is desperately looking for a connection that he never had and tryna compromise ya know?

That said, we have so much in common, and he genuinely makes me laugh like no one else. He’s sweet and thoughtful and he’s such a good guy (even if he’s a frustrating little weeb sometimes… I do say that affectionately. Lol). I pray for him every day. I'm a Christian, and he’s an atheist, so realistically it wouldn’t even work… but it doesn’t stop the way I feel. There’s just something about him. He’s so beautiful to me and like I’m not talking just in the physical sense, but in like his soul and like the way he cares for the people he loves and how kind and generous he is. He just really matters and I want him to know I see him.

I also just wish I could just be there in person. Whether that’s to hug him, to tell him it’s going to be okay or to sit next to him quietly when things are hard. I’ve tried to get rid of these feelings, and tried to remind myself of the age gap and the distance and all the ways this can’t work… but they’re still here.

Look, there is part of me still thinks of him like a brother. But then again, there’s another part thats so stubborn that feels more than that. For example when I had surgery earlier this year, he was the first person I wanted to talk to when I woke up. It’s like I feel safe with him (I don’t know if that’s the right word but it’s like I can actually be myself around him ya know?)

And again, I never expected this and I’ve never even considered being with someone much younger than me. But something changed this year and I don’t know what and it’s driving me mad. I want to cry about it sometimes. I hate it. I feel like a creep, or a loser, or something in between, even though I’d never act inappropriately or take advantage of the situation. That’s not what this is. He just… he means so much to me. He brightens my day and I just smile when we talk. I wish things were simpler ya know?

I don’t really have a point here. Just needed to get it out. If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading. Has anyone else been in a situation like this? I just needed to get it out. I don’t want to act on anything and honestly I just want him to be okay. Like that’s what really matters. And I don’t know what that makes me.