ruminating hours

i'm euro so you stay with the same group for middle school and high school. i cried in late-middle/early-high school, in front of others as a boy. three times that i can remember. as a boy that is permanent reputational suicide, with both the girls and the guys. people have literally reminded me of it years later, and i'm sure most others were too polite. and all of it resulted from autism meltdowns.^(1) that was reputational suicide with both the girls and the buys. never got invited to general socials after that. it wasn't even my fault. can't help but wonder how much that stunted my development as a person.

idk i just hate that this is who i really am. but whadda ya gonna do. and i just remembered one of the teachers who witnessed the most public instance actually sat down with my parents a year or so later and suggested i go to a different school lol

^(1) i know that word is overused but it absolutely was, they were even for me disproportionate reactions from being in unfamiliar environments and totally overwhelmed. plus i got a formal diagnosis a few months ago fwiw