192 days sober - yesterday throw away all my "black hour" supplies - feel like shit today

I think my story is pretty similar to the rest here, I thought i might get some catharsis when posted here so here it goes. i started smoking when i was 17 - at first it wasn't that often - once per few months with friends. I met my girlfriend and hid my habbit first. Finished highschool and later started to smoke more on my studies - 2-3 times per week, still had the same relationship with a girl and even thought she knew it wasn't perfect I was always very high functional meaning I passed all tests and got my degree.

My girlfriend started her phD in another country and I moved with her - I thought it will be good for me, quitting and living clean but as I found out this had an opposite effect. This was capital city for smokers - it was easier to get weed than to order a pizza, dealer drove to your doors etc. I got a better job (work in IT) and had enough money to smoke MUCH MORE and when I say much more I smoked ounce (30g) in a two-three weeks. I worked from home and didn't have much to do so I woke up around 5 a.m, smoked my first joint in a bath and then I smoked after every 2-3 hours until I went to bed.

At the same time my girlfriend got depressed, found out she is autistic and asexual - this was a difficult time for our relationship and even though i proposed I didn't intent to actually marry her. I was smoking so much I didn't want to change a thing. She finished her studies and left me in strange country saying she needs to go home - I was happy from that thinking she'll get off my back and I'll be able to finally smoke as much as I want (I did this pretty much but she started to pressure me to stop). When I came back to my home country we restarted our relationship but I couldn't forget what happened between us and we became nothing more than a roomates - she did what she liked, I smoked a lot and that's how three years passed. I was happy - didn't want to change a thing. Smoked around 1g per day.

Three years passed, I got a really good job, but still smoked like a skunk and didn't work on our relationship - didn't plan wedding, kept feeding her some bullshit. She finally had enough and left me in January. I moved to my parents and quit cold turkey - had my stash (10g) in my desk. I was sober since, didn't smoke nothing at all for all this time, started therapy. The begging was hard but it got better and had my half year day last week.

On the last session my therapist told me I need to throw away my stash - that I won't get rid of addiction if I still act like an addict keeping weed like a holy grail. I got very angry, but when I realized I start to act like an old me I throw it away and now feeling like a crap - keep thinking about weed, have dreams about smoking - feeling like I started to quit recently which fucking sucks. I have some holidays now and keep thinking how much I'd love to smoke. I know this part of reddit is not for people thinking about first joint but if I could advise my young self I'd never touch this shit... That's it, no more crying about myself - good luck with your fights!