black and white thinking ruined my life basically

i limited my own life so much just bc of stupid black and white thinking. i hate autism. i had so many interests and skills and aspirations that i pursued for all of 2 seconds only to think “oh this requires x and i can absolutely never do x so it can’t be done” it makes me so fucking angry. i fucking hateeee autism!! ruined my life.

what makes me mad is that i don’t even remember thinking like that fully, like i did express myself and pursue what i wanted and i didn’t follow all rules literally but somewhere along the way i just was unable to do anything for myself just because i could only see things a certain rigid and black and white way, forgetting any instances that would challenge those beliefs as though they were exceptions to the rule.

i don’t know if it is trauma or autism. as i got older i realized “i actually could have done what i wanted there” but i was gentle on myself about it bc i thought it was trauma.

but now im thinking it’s fucking autism. this fucking curse that will never go away— i cannot forgive myself for being, at my nature, a self limiting, black and white thinker. bc then it is because of ME, not bc of external circumstances that molded me a certain way, but now i can slowly overcome those beliefs that others instilled in me or something.

no, it has to be autism right? it has to be this insidious, often deadly virus in my brain that i wish i could just yank out.

how i wish so deeply to restart my life without autism, to just be a person who is go with the flow, to be resilient and cool and open minded and chill and just an all around awesome person, the person i would be without this disgusting godforsaken absolute disease on my brain and body for which there’s no cure or even a fucking treatment.

what’s worse is how this stupid stupid stupid virus comes from my dads side and he’s such a stupid, close minded, black and white thinker. his weird ass brain combined with male privilege and entitlement has done nothing but wreak havoc on my family and seriously disadvantaged us and seriously ruined all our lives.

sometimes i wish people with autism weren’t allowed to reproduce so that i don’t have to suffer this horrible illness. i don’t care how eugenics like this sounds, it’s terrible and my life without it would be significantly significantly better, i’d rather have no life at all than one with this stupid plague present.