One of those nights

I feel like every other day I’m having like this weird reality check that this is my life. That I’m really a 24 year old with a dead mom and a father that’s never been in my life . Which at this point I truly don’t know even know if he’s alive. Like I can’t believe there is someone on this earth that I came from that wants nothing to do with me that I wouldn’t recognize if I passed by them, a complete stranger. It makes you wonder if my own father doesn’t even want me who would? Is this normal? was this something I was supposed to normalize and pretend like I can still have a good life . When I feel so isolated from literally every other human being. I feel so disconnected. I don’t feel like I belong anywhere. When I’m working I feel responsible like an adult. When I’m distracted. When I have time to breathe I feel like a lost child. When I have time to take In my reality I’d rather be anywhere else than in my own body. I’m extremely delayed it’s like I’m always this 15 year old. No confidence , wanting to go unnoticed but be seen as “normal” embarrassed of my family dynamic. Never feeling like I’m valuable, likable enough. Then I get older and older and before I know it I’ll be 48 still feeling like that 15 year old. My mom died at 48 I hope I die sooner. I don’t have anything to do here but suffer. To be used and get nothing in return. Just feeling like the 15 year old that no wanted after mom died . Now I’m the 24 year old that people still don’t want.