Oof

I’m almost 27 & have self-harmed since I was about 12 but it got really bad when I was 14/15 because of bullying. Anyway, I’ve struggled with it on & off for what seems like forever. I can go years without cutting & then something happens & it’s all I think about till I do it. Well recently after a night of drinking, I woke up the next day hung over & feeling like shit. My mood took a dive & it got dark the last few weeks (psych meds & alcohol dont mix) on top of family stuff & past trauma coming up. Unfortunately the way I could get my mind to slow down was cutting. I know I shouldn’t have done it but I did. Did it feel good in the moment? Yes. But not worth it. I’ve been with this guy for about a month & he saw my older scars from about 2/3 months ago. At first he seemed to care but tonight he found out I’ve been doing it a lot recently. He said he has broken up with a girl over cutting. Idk that just sent me spiraling because I’m already mad at myself for doing it & all the other feelings about my mental health issues making me a huge burden & fuck up. Hearing him say that made me realize why I don’t talk to anyone about my feelings. They either get mad or ignore me. Never did I ever think over 10 years later as a full grown adult would I still be cutting. & never did I think I’d even be alive to do it.