The silence is killing me

I apologize for the negativity, I just needed to dump my thoughts somewhere. We were in a relationship for 5 years. 5 long years. We went through so much together. We both hurt each other, but we loved one another (or so I thought). A month ago, we broke up. I initiated the breakup though I really didn’t want to, I just wanted some assurance to some doubts I was having about our relationship. I understand this could habe hurt her and I'm so sorry because it was never my intention to hurt her. I never doubted her, just some relationship dynamics. We tried. We tried so fucking hard for so long. And you know what thr thing is? I was also tired but I was willing to try as many fucking times as it took to get it right. She grew tired. I don't blame her, but I also wish she hadn't made false promises. She told me she wpuld try with me over and over again. She told me she would always reach out back. After our breakup, I emailed her and contacted her like 3 or 4 times asking if we could reassess our relationship. The first 2 times she said she doesn't think anymore can be done. The last time she simply didn't response. Silence. It feels deafening. It screams at me in the middle of the day and I feel an ever growing sense of existential dread. I don't blame her at all. I really don't. But I truly wish she hadn't made those promises. I still think she is going to reach out. I still check my spam folder on a daily fucking basis and I am tired. I check it like 5 times a day or so, to see if maybe... just fucking maybe she said something. And every times I am met with disappointment instead. I don't have any friends or any close family members, it was just her. So I don't really have someone in real life to discuss this, but the silence... It's deafening.