M25 F22 great relationship turns grey, meth, breakup, baby….

We had an insane start. I've never clicked with someone the way I did with this person - it was effortless, intense in a way that felt like we found our soul mate.

But then our trauma started showing up. I've got deep trust issues with women (my mum), she has deep trust issues with men (ex partners). I'm a "dismissive avoident" attachment style She is a "anxious/fearful avoidant" attachment style

Then meth got involved. At first, it was just a coping with a shit situation, we both started using, everything was swell but eventually, things got out of hand. Everything kind of fell into a pit. Being kind of isolated with one person for months at a time never Goes well.

She had a tendency to nit pick and cause arguments to cause some sort of conversation (better than silence) this would push me away because I don't think she ever wanted argument to end Often I'd admit my wrong doing, l'd own it and not gas light her- I had absolutely gone to far with some of the things I said. But she never reciprocated.. if she did it was never in a genuine way more just to shut me up

Fast forward: we break it off, it's too toxic, it's just bone on bone, hoping what we had in the beginning was still there.. it was gone,

While Im these final weeks we noticed she had missed her period... done a test....pregnant. We were on and off at this point it had been about 5 weeks since she missed her period.. I immediately ask what her thoughts are and what she wants to do-her mind is set on an abortion...

we both agree this is a good idea with were we are at- I myself have grown up in a busted home and a massive thing for me personally is having children to just one partner. Weeks go on, I ask almost everyday- hey can you please go see a GP to organise this abortion, please don't fuck around with it... - eventually she tells me to "fuck off" and will do it, when she feels like it... Week 8 we go and see a doctor, sort Ultrasounds etc, and the abortion pills etc

Mind you she had been smoking meth daily Upto this point- reasonably heavy, but she moved home and she cut down, around week 10/11 | block her on everything. Week 13/14 | have a friend message me saying she's sending videos of herself looking "very hyped-yeah she's on it” my heart really sank

I loved this person, she was with me at the lowest point in my life and she stuck by me, and loved me

I want to reach out but somthing just won’t let me, I want to make it known that I’m there.. But I’ve also moved on.

Any question or help is greatly appreciated Thanks