Non-update: Dont know if she did but she's gone regardless.

It still hurts.....

Its been a little over a month now and I (M23) am still i guess mourning what I thought was a relationship with my ex (F23)..... Let's call her chi for this I guess.

So Chi and I were supposedly dating for over a year before she blocked (on socials) and ghosted me (literally told me to text her number but didn't block me) never got any sort of reason or closure or even a proper break up. She just erased me like our relationship and our previous and longer friendship ment absolutely nothing, just abandoned everything that had to do with me. I've been working on moving past it but their is so much baggage, doubt about me and my personality (we were long distance for the duration of the relationship, but lived in the same area before so I can't say I physically did anything wrong I think) all the worry and stress I had about her Physical and mental health, all the planning and saving to move to her and maybe get certified in something beforehand so it'd be easier getting a job, finding recipes that fit her likes and dietary restrictions, spending money that yes she never asked for (expect a time or 2) but I wanted to in hope of making her a bit more happy.

But yeah moving on and now deciding I only have a chance at life though the military cause if life gonna fu** me anyways might as well get paid and certified in something. But I still sadly look at a privated account(that see never told me about) with her new last name from the guy that she has know a few months to 6 tops and got her pregnant by and I just look and wonder why.

I still have all our messages from every messenger and I still have all her words that are now hallow and I'm stuck with knowing 99% of it was lies and that I was just a rebound or place holder until she found someone more convenient I guess. But I have to move on........ I have to move on.............. And that was my first relationship.

Why would I ever want to try again......

In all honesty I didn't even want to date anyone till her not really and now I wonder if I..... Never mind to dark but not in that way more in a medical way I guess.

Oh and the fucked up thing she knew she was pregnant for a week or more before ghosting me and from her post that a friend sent me, if it makes it it'll be born the same month as me.

And I have to move on and pretend she never existed. The person I trusted the most, told the most, wanted to make happy the most, the person I was making myself better for.

And I'm left with Disappointment? Regret? Shame? Resentment? Hate? Longing? Confusion. Disgust. Paranoia. And constantly forcing myself to forget so I don't lose myself asking why cause I'll never get an honest answer.

I was gonna show a text I got somewhere in our relationship so you could understand my confusion a bit more.But I can't so I'll type it out:

"Ya know my love, you are perfect to me. Inside and out. No matter what. You have always been amazing to me and treated me with respect and kindness and it always made me feel better about myself. I love you so much and hope that I can be the perfect one for you. I'm no one special and no one deserving of such an amazing person but I am so glad that I have you."

Can't add more context directly without giving me away but if you wanna see/hear more i dont mind anymore.

Id appreciate any questions as it helps distract me even if it about the subject.