D-day a week ago

Hi everyone. D day was about a week ago. I’m devastated I had to tell the family I babysit for what happened cuz I had to cancel the day of when I found out. I’m embarrassed. I hate myself for staying with a man that hates me. If he didn’t hate me he wouldn’t do any of this. I spent three years begging for sex. For kisses. I had to tell my mom who already doesn’t like him because we aren’t the same race/culture. I feel humiliated. We’re going to Thailand in less than two weeks. He was perfect before all of this. All the things he did I chalked up to being young (he’s 22m) and that he’s out grow. I loved him with all of me. I fought with my mom and she was finally coming around. I poured so much and I let down every guard. I told myself this was it for life. I hate him. I wish he’d disappear from my life. I’m a good woman. I’ve spent thousands and years of my life being of service to the community and children. I didn’t deserve this. I believe a God and why doesn’t that God love me. Why me? Why wasn’t I enough? Why does he hate me? Everyday he tells me he’s sorry but his actions show me he hates me. I don’t want to be alone. I was an only child who’s been 90% alone since 10/11 I don’t want to be alone. I can’t do it again. I used to talk to myself and kiss my knee and hug myself to not feel alone. I don’t have friends. (I have 1 6 hours away). I’m attractive I’m 5’9 I’m 110 pounds normally, I’m kind, I’m young, I’m educated, what’s wrong with me? I’m drunk rn and I just told my PA that I wish with every part of me I could leave him and I’m only staying because of him and slammed the door as loud as I could. I don’t want to be angry. This is not me.