Anxiety about heaven

I came here to ask anyone what their perspectives might be. I've been having an existential crisis tonight about heaven because I already know I'm repented and everything so i don't have to worry about hell.

But that's the thing,

is it bad that i don't look forward to heaven? like, my entire faith is driven by the fear of hell, not the desire of heaven. my whole mentality is "well at least it isn't HELL"... i just feel like heaven wont have anything i ever found enjoyable in my life, no nature, no animals, (I've always been told that beasts don't have souls so animals cant go to heaven, WHICH DIDNT MAKE ME FEEL ANY BETTER WHEN MY DOGS DIED.)

and nature is one of the things i enjoy most. I love animals, plants, forests, and everything about, EARTH. and heaven is NOT earth. There wont be any mountains, streams, forests, wildlife, etc. Just streets covered in blinding gold (which i hope i don't get smited for this but a solid gold city where everything is gold just sounds ugly to me) i guess i understand how a street of gold would appeal to the folks of the past bc they grew up poor and hard working, but honestly, i wouldn't want to live in a city with a bunch of other people. nor would i want a mansion. (hymns have promised mansions on the street of gold) and ive never said this at all bc i didn't wanna sound ungrateful but i just wanna live in a forest with animals and be able to write my stories (i like story telling and im afraid ill have to give it up when i go to heaven.)

Ive always wanted to have a cottage in the forest with a garden and chickens but there's no plants or food or any of that in heaven bc gluttony is a sin and theres no hunger, so why would there be food... and food also means exploiting another animal or plant so thats probably also not allowed in heaven.

ill also be forced to meet old or dead family members i didn't get along with, or im afraid to meet. And on top of that, i wouldn't be able to reunite with any of my pets because animals dont have souls.... It makes me so depressed just thinking about it.

Ive been told that theres no clouds or nighttime in heaven and itll constantly be sunshine, which sounds happy and cheerful to MOST people but to me its just a constant blinding light, i really love nighttime, and cloudy days are my favorite... (i promise im not trying to sound quirky i genuinely prefer this weather because clouds are something i find fascinating, i love watching their forms and colors change)

and the very thought of eternity scares me... like eventually everything will feel bland and loose meaning and ill be immortal and i wont feel emotions... i really hope that, if a soul wishes to just, cease to exist, then God will let them maybe?

and adults have told me that heaven is pure bliss, but as a kid i thought that would be terrifying, constantly feeling extasy 24/7 with no end, not being allowed to just calm down or feel other emotions, because a lot of the reason that good things FEEL good, is because there's a balance between good and bad. Good doesn't feel good unless there's bad, and there no bad in heaven so everything will feel numb.

i honestly wish there wasn't an afterlife and we all just faded. maybe its bc I'm autistic and ive just been taking everything abt the bible way to literally all my life. I'm sure that's why i feel so many conflicting feelings about the bible, and why I've been struggling with my faith all my life.

I'm afraid of the rapture happening before I'm even able to live the future I've worked so hard for.

I just hope that what people have said abt heaven isn't set in stone and that there's something there for everyone to enjoy.