Too much, Then, Now & Forever

I'll never understand this world. I don't think I want to understand this world. The more I understand it the worse it is. The more it hurts. The more I lose hope. The more I lose courage. My desire to care about others. My desire to appreciate anything, to see any good in anything anywhere. It's not real, it's just everyone hiding shit. Out to prey on anyone and expect a thank you afterwards, thank them for not screwing you worse, for making you so GD strong. It's just too much for one person, and it's a lifetime full of it, and that's all there's been and that's all you can expect. And it's pointless really, to have any good. It's worthless. Evolution should've weeded my type out years ago, nature, predators; I am not designed for this world. I I don't even know why I fucking bother to do or create or appreciate or try anything. I'm so tired of everything, just a nonstop game of survival with never a soft landing. And it's too much. And I'm tired of having to be thankful for it. And I'm tired of having to fake for it. And knowing that I can't even trust myself, my own belief or instinct or tuition about trying to make choices about which way is safe and how long is it safe for...it's just too much of an emotional game.