Where do I go from here?

Hi! Just some background I’m 22 and was crowned by the time I was 11. My parents were on and off for years before that and by the time I was 13 were fully split. When they split, I stopped going to my Madrinas because my relationship with my dad was and is still insanely strained and with adults being messy, they were on my dad’s side because he had the money and because they looked down on my mom (rightfully so bc she also made bad mistakes) I got the bad end of everything because I lived with her and I haven’t seen anyone since I was maybe 12 and fresh out of iyawo-hood. Now I live in another state (moved from FL to NC where there wouldn’t be many other practitioners) and know very minimally how to take care of my things. All i know is change water, put flowers and fruits for my santo birthday (idk terminology) and thats it. I don’t have my ita and its just upsetting because i’ve always loved the practice and when I first got crowned I was so excited to learn everything. I still love looking online for any info I can get. I know theres a lot of things that I never got to do that I was supposed to do according to my ita. I get worried that i’ll never find another home or be able to reconnect with my madrina and even then I know everything would be super expensive because it feels like everything was just about money although it might not be that way still? Even then, I don’t live with my mom and i’m super far so I have no idea if there is anything I should be doing? Idk I just hate feeling like I have no guidance and like i’m failing my orishas and ancestors. Is this something that some people are just meant to go through? Will things be okay or backfire on me because I can’t go all out?