The ending of a toxic relationship is a pain that is so real.

I was in a toxic relationship for 3 years, it was on-and-off. I always felt that there was toxicity involved, but because of the love I had for this person, I pushed through it. I never realized how much I was carrying and how much the aftermath would affect me until finally letting go of the relationship. This pain is the type of pain that I and so many people avoid and run away from. Because of the attachment, the bond that was formed and for not wanting to hurt them. But I don't think he realizes how much he has hurt me. How much he put himself first. How much he blamed me for every single thing and not considered my side of the story. How much he invalidated me, made me feel unheard and unseen. How much he made me feel uncared for when I was more engaged and interested in his life. How he never apologized because he needed a logical explanation for everything. How I did everything to better myself while he did nothing to do the same. How he said "this is who I am" instead of looking within and realizing how much his actions hurt me. Or how he needs a week of no-contact after a fight and then comes back with nothing to talk about, with seemingly no reflection done at all. That supposedly everything, is just always my fault.

When we said our goodbyes, I felt a relief. We were both on the same page and I didn't have to worry about his feelings for once. About his emotions, that I always carried, having to constantly worry whether I will trigger an attack from him or cause him to want space. Instead of crying for how much I miss this person, I cry over the fact that I let all of those things happen to me. That I stayed even though I wasn't happy. That I put him over myself. That I thought things would change when he never showed me any of that. I cry over the fact that I deserved better. I just cared too much, loved too much, empathized too much. I refuse to be the villain in his story, because he never was the victim.

However, I feel like such a coward that I didn't end it myself and leave earlier. I just couldn't look him in the eyes and tell him that it's over. Yet he can so easily do the same and in the end, only think about himself.

This type of pain is the loss of a love for someone who you thought would treat you better.