My mum died and I’m so lost

I’m 41F, my mum was 77 and died a month ago. My dad died when I was 4, I’m an only child, no partner, no kids. I lived with my mum my whole life other than for university (where I was homesick and would return from at every opportunity). I am so full of pain, loneliness, and regret that I wasn’t a better daughter who helped her mum more because of my own long term mental health, and even more that I didn’t get her help in time. To top it off I’m likely going to have to move out of our home of 37 years within the next 12 months.

I’m frozen. I don’t want to touch anything. I’m living between the sofa and my bed. There’s still food in the fridge I’d bought my mum 5 weeks ago before she went into hospital and rubbish in the kitchen I can’t let go of. Anything she saw or touched feels sacred. I always knew if I didn’t get my mental health sorted before she passed that whatever was bubbling under the surface would be bad. I thought we had more time.

I’m signed off from work for at least another fortnight, have started antidepressants and had my first counselling session last week, but I feel so so lost and in pain. I don’t want to do anything to myself as I know she wanted me to live, but I don’t have anything to live for. She used to say I kept her going after my dad passed, but I have nothing.

I let problems at work get into my head and I’d come home and just want to veg instead of helping my poorly mum. I was so preoccupied in my own head with my own problems, I was always in a rush of my own making for nothing, just so I could lay on my bed and scroll the internet. I feel so much guilt that mum felt like an afterthought. I loved her so much, and had decades of anticipatory grief, yet still didn’t change. I’m so sorry mum x