Feeling like im a patient for life

The worst feeling in the world for me is needing the hospital while being scared of the hospital. No matter what I do I'm just going to be in pain. I don't want to be left to die or suffer but the treatment required to help me always hurts. And then sometimes that treatment can cause complications, needing even further treatment. Just had my most recent surgery (among many other future surgeries that will happen) and a year later I am suffering from sudden complications and pain everyday when I wake up, that is definitely related to the surgery. I don't even want to see the surgeons that operated on me who I will visit for answers. But I don't want to live suffering. I feel like Im being punished just for existing. Without the hospital, I would have died so many times, but with the hospital I get retraumatised all over again. I dont have an option. I can not survive or live a normal life without medical attention because of how I was born. I barley have autonomy, I always rely on other people. I rely on nurses, doctors, surgeons, caretakers, i always have to give my body to the hospital and just hope nothing goes wrong. that i dont feel any pain. i have to completely trust them all the time, ever since i was a kid. i don't want to be a patient anymore.