When does the self loathing leave?

I’ve spent the last 5 years finding and losing myself. I’ve finally accepted myself, let the mask slip, acknowledging to myself that I am neurodivergent, queer, and trans.

I’ve taken steps and time to live and actualize these things for myself.

More than anything though, I don’t know who I am. I feel lost.

If what I was before was a hollow fake of a person, all I am now is the nothing that was behind that.

I feel so lost.

I have become nothing but an acknowledgment of my own suffering.

Too afraid to find real connection, no longer driven to find fake connection.

Wishing for love, and closeness, and realness. Having none of the energy or courage to hold on to those.

Lost and lonely, yearning and terrified, hopeless and hopeful.

I want change but am terrified of it.

Trapped by my own fear and indecision.

Sigh… I suppose I’ll just keep living until I’m struck by inspiration or lightning, whichever comes first.