I’m exhausted

I’ve spent so many years working on my bpd and even though I’ve made a TON of progress, it feels never ending. I feel like I just ruin everything. My one year wedding anniversary with my spouse is coming up and I feel sick. I want to feel happy but it makes the fear of abandonment act up and hahaha what do you know, I’m splitting again😀 I don’t want to feel this insane. It’s like my body is physically dragging me back into the void and I have no choice but to feel like I’m constantly grieving something.

I’m at the point now where I don’t really act on a lot of what my bpd wants me to. However, that doesn’t mean the feelings are any less irrational and insane. I’m committed to healing; it is just so draining to exist :(