Did anyone ever do fucked up shit to themselvses from CSA without knowing what had happened

I have no memories but i tortured stuffed animals when i was 6. Me, and all of my nieces + nephews did stuff to each other between 3-6. When i was 9 or 10 i started looking for...idk, really really fucked up shit. Online. And talking to men. And begging to be kidnapped and raped. At 9. Why? Why did we do this if nothing happened. Why did I do this if nothing happened? I cant remember. I cant remember anything. But it haunts me. So bad. It haunts me so bad. I fall into moments where i just sit and i stare and my mind goes numb. Ill never remember. Ill never know if i was hurt. If my nieces were hurt. Would i have done this if i wasnt hurt?