A Father and Son

This is how I view myself and God.

A Father and Son

"You say you care not?" "Correct". "How? In what way have you discovered your emotion is lacking?" "Perhaps I'm incapable of expressing the way I feel appropriately, or accurately. Emotionally I am, well, incapacitated if you will". "Interesting". "Yes. Very". "Is it painful? This emotional incapacitation?" "Yes. Very". "Ah, so you do feel"? "Well, of course, I do 'feel'. However, a simple pleasure, a small set back, an unrequited love, all leads to anger". "And this anger. How do you deal with it"? "Well, I swallow it. Outwardly I portray a stillness". "Does it help"? "No". "So, what now"? "I sit and I ponder. I brood over the nothingness I see in myself. Mostly, I daydream". "Daydream? Of what do you daydream"? "I daydream, a fantasy world really, of an idealized version of myself. I listen to music and imagine it is me. Me who is special. Me who is admired". "Behind the beauty of it all. Me who is special. Me who is admired". "You seem to think of 'you' often". "Yes". "Is it exhausting"? "Very". "Do you think of others"? "I do". "How do you think of others"? "I think of how they view me". "Do you help others"? "Yes. I care that I'm viewed as helpful". "Ah, so it's more of you"? "Yes". "In a world of so many, a world so full, how can one expect to survive if ones thoughts constantly revolve around self"? "Well, I suppose, one simply can not". "Can this change for you? Can you change"? "I wouldn't know how. I'm greedy, I'm selfish, I'm immature, and dull witted. I need help, but I don't know who to turn to". "God maybe"? "God is dead". "Certainly, you don't believe that". "Certainly, I do not. What I mean is the communication has been severed. I'm such a manipulative man that I can not have any meaningful dialog with a God of the universe. I'm too dishonest. I'm too far gone". "And if that wasn't so"? "How do you mean"? "If the communication, between you and God, were to be restored, or more likely, was never severed to begin with. What would you say? If you could say one thing to "a God of the universe", What would you say"? "I guess I'd say something like, "Hi God"". "I think that'd be enough".

At times, especially with the way I've lived my life, I can't trust myself. I can't believe I am a good man and I often don't pray because I feel like a liar. However, in my more lucid moments I believe God will still hear me. Even if it's nothing grand. I'm enough despite my many many flaws.