My father has a cancer, and I don’t feel anything

First, I’m still, technically, in my teenage years, but I’m not a world hater or the edgy guy. My father is an ok father, I don’t hate nor love him. Since he was diagnosed, he became more irritable, like he’ll easily fight with my brother about like random theories he found on the internet, fake (allegedly) scientific articles and whatever the fuck. But even if it irritates me those things, I think I should still fear losing him (?).

He was diagnosed with a rare cancer type and that is not easily (almost impossible) curable approximately two years ago. When I heard the news it like didn’t hit me. I was actually more concerned by the fact that it didn’t hit me than the actual cancer.

After that, he had chimiotherapy, and he wasn’t doing great because well chimiotherapy destroys people. And I wasn’t sad for my dad, I was almost just there. Like if I was detached (?).

Then, the cancer grew and surgery was the only life-saver for him. And it was I think a either he survives or he doesn’t. Ha did his goodbyes, but it was for nothing cause he survived. I was relieved to know that my mom didn’t have to go through grief. That is literally what I was thinking back then

And when everyone thought it was over, a small part of the cancer that wasn’t removable began the process to grow. And as of right now I think he has like 6 months - 1 year.

I’m concerned not for him, but for me. Because I really feel like Ayano that hollowness of not feeling anything. I adopted the persona of when someone is asking if I’m alright, I act that it is tough, but it’s life, when internally I’m like « I’m alright ». There was also time where I was imagining life without him idealizing how it would be.

While writing this I realized that it is not completely true, because this situation still pain me because I hate to see my mother being sad and being anxious about the situation. I think she is the only one I care about.

Ps: I might be on the autism spectrum, but I don’t care tbh. I wrote this post because I feel bad to not feel bad which prove that I still care (?)

PS2: sorry for the English if that was a problem at all, it’s not my mother tongue