I’m 30 and lost both of my parents.

I lost my mom almost 8 years ago, she was an addict and very suicidal, I still have a box of her suicide notes from my childhood. After years of my family enabling her I helped move her into a halfway house style apartment, not even a month passed before she died, alone. I live with this guilt everyday.

3 months into this year my dad passed away unexpectedly, I helped mortuary attendants pick his body off the floor and zipped him up in the body bag. I live with the guilt that the last year of his life I spent it with a woman I knew deep down we would never be actually committed together, I brushed off family plans to spend time with her, I lied to my dad at times pretending to be sick just to be with her. Her and “broke up” 5 days before he died, she was the second longest romantic relationship I had with a woman.

I hate myself.